Page 35 of Home Ice

“I know. I still come here all the time.”

“Oh yeah?” I’m not sure I want the answers, but I ask anyway. “What do you come here to escape?”

Barrett gives me a sad smile, and I hate it. The architecture of his face is built for happiness. Everything from the easy curl to his lips to how his eyes take on a life of their own. I know I’m the grumpy one. The more introspective one. I always have been. My face was made for scowling, and it comes in so handy as an enforcer, but Barrett has this way of making it relax.

“Myself,” he finally says. The word is heavy.

“Why?”

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Hawke. I’ve held on to regret for longer than I ever wanted to. I’ve had nasty thoughts and angry impulses, and sometimes I think I’ve been made to only make the wrong choices in life.”

“What—”

“I know that’s not true. Life gets me down sometimes, even though it’s the one I picked for myself. Thankfully, these days, it happens a lot less. It’s why I don’t entertain the what-ifs or dwell too long on how I could have made changes or where I went wrong. I have my dad and my job, and we’re genuinely happy.”

“I just wish⁠—”

“Don’t.”

But I have to get this out. “Let me say this one thing, and we won’t bring it up again. I understand why you didn’t tell me about your dad. I get it. I … well, the anger will take a while to let go of, but it’s not so much anger at you as anger at … losing you, I guess. It … sucks. I wanted to be there for you. I hate that I wasn’t. And maybe if Carly had told me about Kasen, I would have stayed. I would have been here to help you through. Or if you’d told me about your dad, maybe I would have met Kasen sooner. I know you don’t like all the what-ifs, but at some point, I have to wonder if everyone kept things from me because I’m, well, me. I was never the easiest guy to get to know. I mean, Carly used to get so mad that I was always with you. Should I have spent more time with her? Should I have given you more space?”

Barrett’s already shaking his head. “If you’d given me space, then I would have been the one mad at you.”

“Are you sure I wasn’t smothering you?”

He hesitates, not looking at all as shit as I feel. “If I’m remembering correctly, I’d turn up at your place as much as you’d turn up at mine. I …” He screws up his face. “If I’m honest—and I feel terrible about it now—sometimes I’d even show up when I knew you had plans with Carly. So you’d cancel them.”

My mouth drops. “You sneaky little asshole. I never knew.”

“Of course you didn’t. I’d gotten the casual so invite her thing down pat, knowing that you never would. For some reason, you hated us hanging out together and were always weird when we did. It was like you thought I was going to steal your girlfriend.”

“Or … like I knew she’d immediately pick up on how I’d check you out.”

Barrett falls back against the car with a groan. “How did I miss that?”

“How did I miss that you were meddling in my relationship? Some best friend you were.”

He shrugs and tucks his hands behind his head. “I was jealous. We’d been each other’s number one for so long that I wanted to make sure that never changed. I wanted her to know it too.”

Considering how long it’s been, I miss him as much as I did back then. A whole day without seeing him would lead to us texting all night. I can’t even remember it being anything important.

“I was a shithead,” he whispers. “She wasn’t a bad person. She didn’t deserve what happened to her, and Kasen didn’t deserve to grow up without you. And I know that if you had found out back then, I …” He has to take a moment to find the words. “I would have been such an asshole about it. I would have hated her. Maybe Kasen too.” He turns to me with a lazy smile. “It was painful to let you go, but I think it was the best thing for me. If I’d have heard you so much as mention one of your teammates, I’d have probably gone nuclear.”

I pause at that. “But we always had other friends. That was never an issue.”

“Because I knew that you didn’t like any of them as much as me.”

I let those heavy words sink in. Truthfully, he’s right. No one, not even Carly, came close to what we were. In hindsight, it was probably unhealthy and codependent. Maybe he’s right that the time apart was good—for us both—but it was a lot of suffering, and I don’t think it was worth it.

“This is getting heavy.”

“Yeah, but it needs to be said.”

It does. I can feel the way it’s easing something in my chest. Something that’s been in knots for far too long, and the relief of letting go, even a fraction, is immense.

“Want to go for a swim?”

“Sure.” Barrett peels himself up off the hood and jumps down. He reaches for the hem of his shirt before he pauses and cuts me a look. “You’re not going to lick my nipple, are you?”