Page 63 of Yours on the Canvas

I drag my fingers along the cold hospital floor, and my mind snaps then.

I can smell the cold cell, feel the damp seeping into my skin. As I drag my fingers along the floor, I feel the dirt beneath my nails.

My mind has now stepped back, leaving completely.

I’m still here, but I’m not in my body anymore. I’m watching from somewhere far away. Watching Finn cry. Watching Eli reach for me. Watching me, as my body shakes and gasps for air. My fingernails breaking as they claw at the floor.

I can’t stop it.

I can’t breathe.

I’m no longer in control.

* * *

I feel something shift in the room. It’s something familiar that my body recognises. It reacts to it, trying to reach for it. I feel my body change as I hear the footsteps.

“Dove.”

His voice hits me like a shockwave.

“Nn…ah,” my eyes move to his voice. He’s here.

My Sol is here.

My head won’t move and my body is still locked tight in its paralysis, my lungs fighting for air as my fingers still twitch against the cold floor.

He kneels in front of me, my eyes on him, begging him to make this stop. To bring me back. Eli still kneels beside me, Finn crying next to him. And I watch as Silas takes it all in a millisecond.

“Jack?” his voice laced with terror and concern. “Dove, look at me.”

I watch as Eli and Finn move to the side giving Silas more room to get to me.

“His body has taken over. I’ve called a doctor, we may have to sedate him.” Eli says quietly to Silas.

“Like fuck.” He says, as his hand rests on my cheek. “Baby, look at me.”

I make a small noise, a mewl, a whine, a sound, because I want to look at him. I want to more than anything, but I can’t move.

My mind is still in that dark place, the one I go to over and over until it becomes a cage I can’t always escape.

I watch as Silas holds my check with his good hand, his other arm held in a sling. His palm is warm against my skin, his touch is careful. “Jack, baby. Come back to me.”

Eli looks up at him, eyes wet. “He can’t breathe. He’s stuck. He’s having a anxiety paralysis episode. His autonomic nervous system has shut down.”

“Fucks sake, Eli. Speak english.” Silas growls.

“It means his mind has shut down. He can’t physically move anything. We normally sedate people when they get like this.”

Silas shakes his head, not look away from me. “You are safe, Jack. No one can get to you. I’m here now, baby. You’re safe. Just breathe for me, dove.” Silas takes my hand and places it on his chest. “Follow my breathing, Jack. Come on. You’ve got this.”

I try so hard to match the rise and fall of his chest, but air won’t come freely into my lungs.

Finn’s voice cracks behind me. “He’s not breathing. Jack, you have to try!” Finns’ panic shakes every word. “He is not coming back. Eli, help him, please.” Panic fills his voice as he watches me slip toward unconsciousness.

My eyes lock on Silas and his hold mine, sharp and steady, trying to pull me back with sheer force of will.

He leans in. His lips touch mine, feather light, his head so close, everything disappears behind him. “Dove,” he whispers. “I am right here. Come back.”