Page 46 of Yours on the Canvas

I feel completely entombed.

I go to crawl out, but her face appears in front of me, and she shakes her head. Her eyes are wide, terrified, telling me to stay where I am. To hide. To be quiet.

“Don’t make a sound, okay, sweetheart. You be good for Mumma and stay quiet.”

I nod because I don’t know what else to do. My throat won’t work, and my chest feels too small.

“Good boy. Be good, and don’t forget that Mumma loves you.”

“Love you too, Mumma.”

She reaches out to me, her hand trembling, and I grab it. Her skin feels warm, familiar, and that is when I see my own hand.

Small. Soft. A child’s hand.

She wipes her face with her free hand, her fingers shaking as she brushes tears from beneath her eyes. Her breath catches, and I know she is trying not to cry, trying to be strong for me. Trying to make me believe everything will be okay.

“Listen to me, sweetheart. None of this is your fault, okay, Jack. Not one bit of it.”

Her voice breaks, and she swallows hard as more tears stream down her cheek, landing on the floor.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Jack. Nothing, you hear me, and if someone ever tries to make you believe that, you don’t listen to them. You hear me?”

I nod as she grasps my hand tightly, as if terrified I will disappear.

“You’re my beautiful boy, you know that, right?”

I nod again, slower this time. I can feel tears running down my face, but I can’t pull away to wipe them because Mumma holds my hands too tightly. Her hands are so warm, soft. She’s alive, and I don’t want to let her go.

She kisses my hand. “You are not bad. You are not difficult, and sweetheart, you don’t need fixing. You don’t believe your dad or uncle. They are lying to you, Jack. You are so special. So very special.”

She smiles then. It is small, barely there, but the look in her eyes is nothing but love for me. I can see it. I can feel it.

“You are my son, and being your mum has been the greatest thing that ever happened to me, Jack.”

Her lips press hard against my knuckles, “I wish I had more time.”

“Mumma, what do you mean? You’re not going anywhere, right?”

My heart knows the truth, though. My brain tries to tell me something different. It tells me I will see her again.

That I will crawl out from under this bed and she’ll take me downstairs and make me a hot chocolate and give me one of her chocolate chip biscuits she always has. She knows they are my favourite, so she always keeps them in the tin on the bench.

She shuts her eyes at my words. “To love you, Jack. To love you.”

I stare at her, confused. I don’t understand anymore. She is talking like she is leaving me. “But you love me now?” My voice shakes with fear and confusion.

A broken laugh escapes her, and she lifts her tear-filled eyes to mine. “Yes, baby. I love you.”

She presses my hand to her cheek, her voice falling to a whisper. “One day, my beautiful boy, you’re going to find him.”

I frown. “Him?”

“Your soulmate, sweet boy.” She smiles through her tears, and my heart jumps in my chest.

It was last year when the realisation that I might like boys more than girls had shifted my world. I never really understood it until I saw one of the boys at school and fell in love with him. I thought he was so cute, I had followed him around everywhere, and I had told her about him every day.

My mother tightens her grip, pulling me a little closer.