Page 10 of While They Watch

“Well, I have zero.” I stop right in front of him and cross my arms, trying to match his macho energy. He leans down, unzips his bag, and pulls out a smaller, nearly matching flannel.

He holds it up with a big smile. “Not anymore.”

“Oh my god! It’s matching. Are we officially one of THOSE couples?” I laugh and take it from him, immediately putting it on. I turn in a slow circle so he can get the full experience. “I feel very on-theme. Where’s my gun? My fishing pole? My ax?” I pretend to chop down a tree–-the tree, of course, being Luke.

“Okay, slow down now before you hurt yourself, city girl,” he says as he slings his backpack over his shoulders. “Let’s get going before you use up all that adventurous spirit.” As we walk out the door and down the porch stairs, I do a quick glance around, trying to spot any more hidden stick people. I’m relieved to not find any and take a deep breath of fresh air, ready to tackle the day.

As we get to the edge of the trees, I pause, hesitation grabbing onto me before I can stop it. I watch Luke march ahead without a worry in the world and try to let that make me feel better. I remind myself that Luke isn’t going to take me to do anything unsafe. He has been doing this his entire life. This is his happy place. Before he gets too far away from me, I run to catch up, reaching out and taking his hand in mine.

Our time together feels effortless. We talk about mindless things for the first while. Eventually the trees start to lull us into a peaceful silence that isn’t forced or awkward. It’s nice listening to the bird’s singing and the wind blowing through the trees. As we get further in, golden leaves start appearing on the trees and with that comes the crunch of the ones that have fallen. I love the sound.

I feel very meditative at first but as the minutes tick by I find my mind starting to wander, finding its way back to my everyday stress. My anxieties start playing through my head on a loop. Starting small at ‘Why can’t I keep a plant alive for more than 2 months?’ and making its way to ‘Why can’t I find a job that makes me feel fulfilled?’ and ending with ‘Why am I never good enough?’ Around and around these unhelpful, unproductive thoughts spin.

Without realizing, I’ve stopped paying attention to my steps and I trip. Luckily, I catch myself and manage not to fall. As I snap back to the present, I see that I’m a few steps behind Luke, so I pick up my pace, trying to catch up. Right before I close the gap, I notice that I’ve bitten my nails so far down that they’re starting to bleed. Shit. Why do I do this? Why do I have no control? I know I’m hurting myself. My stress makes me feel like I’m suffocating. Most days, I’m not sleeping well and, if I’m honest with myself, I haven’t been in a long time. I can’t let myself relax until everything is perfect. The problem is that perfection is a moving scale–a finish line I never quite reach. I need to be healthier so I can be happier so I can be more productive at work so I can make more money so I can build a life worthy of Luke and take care of my parents. In between all of that I have to make time to buy a house, get married, have some babies and start a few of the hobbies that the social media influencers say will help me be happy! But it's all too much, and I can’t let Luke see how messy I am. How do I….

“Babe? Are you okay?” Luke interrupts my toxic cycle. I look up and see him standing in front of me. I glance around and realize that I don’t think I’ve been moving forward. He looks nervous so I force a smile as he brushes a tear from my cheek. I didn’t realize I had gotten upset enough to cry. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know… I think I just got lost in thought. I don’t know how it happened. I'm having a really nice time, I swear. I just got sucked in, I guess. I’m sorry.” He wraps me up in his arms and kisses the top of my head.

“Whatever you have going on up there, it isn’t real, Hanna. We are real. My love for you is real. This moment is real. Don’t let tomorrow’s problems take away your chance to be happy and in the moment. Stay with me. I’ll carry your anxieties for you if you let me. I know that’s hard for you, and you don’t have to do it all at once. For now, just be here with me and we’ll have a wonderful afternoon in a beautiful spot. Don’t let your demons steal that.” I nod, letting a few more tears trickle down.

“I’m here,” I say with a genuine smile, taking his hand again and squeezing. He squeezes back before handing me a granola bar.

“Also, I think this will help.” I take it happily. He isn’t wrong. All coffee and no food is never a good idea for me.

“When and where did you even get this?”

“Oh, I always have a Hanna snack on hand, in case of an emergency.”

“My hero,” I tease as I open it, devouring it in just a couple of bites.

_____

We hike for another hour before I start getting antsy again. The snack helped but between the unusual amount of activity and the crying, I’m starting to get tired and hungry.

“Are we there yet?” I whine. “I’m officially upset we didn’t have my super-nova coffee.”

“I’m impressed that this is the first time you’ve asked. I made a secret bet with myself that you would have asked me at least 5 times by now. I owe myself a lot of money. As a reward for your hard work, I’m pleased to tell you we are pretty much there.” He stops, setting his backpack down and starts digging through it, pulling out a sleeping mask. “I need you to put this on.”

“What? Why?” I cross my arms, taking a quick step back.

“Just do it, Hanna. Remember–live a little.” He closes the space between us and pulls the mask over my head. I whine but don’t fight him on it. He takes my hand and leads me forward, being very intentional with his instructions and I somehow manage to trip LESS than usual, even though I’m blindfolded. After a few minutes, he tells me to stop and all I hear is rustling and clinking.

“What are you doing? Can I take this off now? I’m getting claustrophobic!”

“Okay, drama queen. Take it off.” I pull the mask off and at first, I’m blinded by the sunlight, but once my eyes settle, I’m speechless by the nature around me. There’s a huge, slow-moving river with flowers and moss growing all around it. I don’t know what sort of flowers grow in this weather, but they are beautiful, especially with the sun glittering off the water. It’s so clear that I can see the giant rocks laying across the bottom; they look like a bridge to the other side. When I look down, Luke has set up an actual picnic, complete with a blanket, all sorts of treats, wine and to my surprise… our swimsuits.

“First, this is so sweet. I can’t believe you carried all of this out here and this spot… it’s unbelievable.” I gesture to the river. “I don’t know what I was thinking was going to be out here but not this. Second, what do you think we will be doing with those?” I ask while pointing at the swimsuits.

“You said you always wanted to do a cold plunge.” He sits himself down on the blanket and pats the ground next to him. I walk over and sit next to him, looking over with all the drama I can muster.

“Hypothetically.”

“Oh, come on. It’s beautiful here. It’ll be worth it, you’ll see.”

“Uh huh. I’ll think about it.”

“The wine will convince,” he winks as he opens the bottle. He hands me a blue, steel camping mug filled almost to the top.