Page 88 of Not Until I Found You

After I finish the last of the outside chores, I head inside to prepare dinner. The roast is nearly finished, filling the house with the rich, familiar scent of herbs and slow-cooked meat. I move through the kitchen on autopilot, washing the blackberries, rolling out dough, sprinkling sugar and spice, while my father is sitting down with a book open in his lap.

The silence presses in on me as I work. Everything is heavy in this home, crawling under my skin, causing my thoughts to become louder and louder. I slide the pie into the oven and shut the door with more force than necessary. And then I finally snap.

I wipe my hands on a towel, the tightness in my chest growing with every silent second that passes, until I march into the living room.

“Why did you leave?” the words tumble out of me.

My father startles at my sudden outburst, and the book slips from his hands and lands face down on the floor. He looks scared, like a deer frozen in headlights.

“I—” he starts, his voice uneven. He swallows and tries again. “I⁠—”

“You left us.” My voice trembles despite my effort to keep it steady. “You left Mom. You left Ashton. You left me. And you never came back. You never called. Do you have any idea what that did to us? To me?”

His hands tremble as they come together in his lap. He nods once, slowly, but it’s all he gives me.

“I couldn’t.” His words come slowly, each one taking effort. “Too loud. Too much.” He drags a hand over his face. “I…” His jaw tightens. “Didn’t know how.”

He exhales sharply, frustration flashing across his features, and I hate it for him. My throat burns as hot tears spill down my cheeks.

“You didn’t know how?” I repeat. “I was a kid who needed her dad. And you disappeared.”

His mouth opens then closes. His eyes shine with his own tears, and a part of me feels terrible for cracking under the pressure and making him upset. But another part of me is relieved to have finally gotten this out in the open.

“I blame myself for everything. It’s really messed with me.” Dad flinches at my words.

“I thought you’d—”He stares at the floor, searching for the next words. “I thought…” He swallows hard and tries again. “That I was…” His brow furrows. “Hurting you.”

The admission lands like a punch.

I shake my head, a hollow laugh escaping me. “You don’t get to decide that.”

He tries to speak again, the effort clear in every strained syllable, but I’ve reached my limit. Years of unanswered questions, of waiting for him to bridge the distance, of hoping he’d fight harder for a relationship with me.

“I can’t do this right now,” I say quietly, stepping back. “Dinner’s finished. There’s a timer that will go off when the pie should come out of the oven. Zane and Ashton should be here soon.”

I turn around before he can respond and grab my bag and keys and don’t tell him goodbye. I don’t trust myself to speak anymore. I step out into the evening air, the door closing softly behind me. I move quickly, tears blurring my vision as I make it to my car, desperate to put distance between us before I break apart completely.

As I slide into the driver’s seat and shut the door, I press my forehead to the steering wheel and let out a shaky breath. I came back to Covewood hoping to find something I’d lost with my dad. Instead, my heart aches with the realization that I may never get him back.

Sven presses closer to my side, his head resting against my thigh, as his tail begins to wag when we hear the sound of tires crunching over gravel. I scratch behind his ears absently, my gaze lifting as Zane’s truck comes to a stop near his cabin.

I’m sitting in front of the bonfire I built as soon as I got home. I’d used Zane’s spare key that he keeps under his welcome mat so I could let Sven outside, not only to help Zane out but because I didn’t want to be alone. The flames have burned down to a steady rhythm now. I’ve been staring at them, lost in thought, ignoring the constant buzzing from my phone.

I avoid looking over at Zane and hear his driver’s side door open and close. I consider taking off and pretending that I’m not here so I can avoid this conversation altogether, but it’s too late because I can hear Zane’s long strides coming closer. Sven perks up, wagging his tail in greeting as Zane approaches. He crouches down to give him a quick pat before his attention shifts to me.

Affection flickers across his face once he sees mine.

“Hey,” he says with a gentle voice as he moves an inch closer. “What happened? Are you okay?”

I swipe away my tears before tucking my knees into my chest. “No. Not really.”

His gaze lingers, tracking the evidence my earlier tears have left behind. He takes a seat on the log next to me, his elbows resting on his knees as he leans closer.

“I stopped by your dad’s,” he says carefully, and my stomach twists at the mention of my dad. “He was…visibly upset. He couldn’t really explain what happened between you two, but it was clear something did.”

Guilt crashes over me in suffocating waves. It wasn’t fair to him that I asked such a heavy question, knowing he couldn’t really explain himself. I grew so tired of the constant silence from him that I wanted anything from him. Knowing I left him in tears breaks my heart all over again.

“I shouldn’t have left like that,” I admit, staring into the fire because it’s easier than looking at Zane. “I just…blew up and then walked out.”