Page 76 of Everlasting Vows

I wake with a jolt, unsure what’s dragged me from my sleep. The disorientation is hard to break through while I cough and struggle to draw a breath. A heavy weight sits on my stomach, and as I fight for breath, I kick my legs frantically, trying to get out from beneath the bulk. My eyes shoot open, finding a dark shadow looming over me. I reach my hands up, wrapping them around the first body part I can grab and digging my nails into flesh, hoping the pressure will force whoever it is to release me.

Nix! Where is he?

Gasping, I buck and twist my hips, but the body on top of me is immovable. Panic rushes through my system, ratcheting up my need to escape. I twist like a madwoman, my eyes popping wide with the need for oxygen and in the back of my mind, I know that by moving as much as I am, I’m depleting my body of the precious resource faster than if I were to lay still, but my instinct is to fight.

“I’m gonna fucking kill you,” a familiar voice seethes. Nix? I narrow my eyes, focusing on the body straddling me. My husband? In the darkness of the room, I can see the anger tightening every muscle in his body.

Not again. This can’t be happening again.

He uses his grip around my neck to drag me up from my pillow and slam my head back down roughly, as if he hopes to smash my skull open. A sob bursts out with the force, and for a split second, his grip loosens, giving me a chance to suck in much-needed air. The reprieve doesn’t last long as he tightens his hold. My vision starts to blur, and I know I don’t have much longer.

This is exactly what happened all those years ago, and why Nix refuses to share a bed with me. If I weren’t fighting for my life right now, my heart would be breaking because for all of our progress, this is going to set us back again.

“Nix.” My voice is too raspy. Too soft. Ineffective. I need to make him hear me. I try everything to dislodge his hands and his body, but he’s determined to kill whoever he sees in his nightmare, and I’m no match for him in this state. “Nix! It’s me. Abbi. Your wife.” With his hands tight around my throat, it’s impossible to make my voice any louder.

He lifts my head and slams it again, making my teeth rattle, but allowing me to suck in another breath. “You think you can take my son from me!” he shouts at me.

Tears slide down my temples, and black spots dance around the edge of my vision, and I know I’m fading. “Nix, you’re hurting me!” I sob brokenly, squeezing his wrists, trying to tug them away. “You’re hurting me, Nix!”

Terror fills my chest that I’m not going to be able to stop his attack. As much as I don’t want to hurt him, I have to stop him. I need to. As much to save myself, but also to save him. Warmth pools around my ass and beneath my thighs, and embarrassment that I’ve lost control of my bladder fills me. Tears and snot cover my face as my situation grows dire. I reach up and slap his face as hard as I can.

His head snaps to the side in dramatic fashion, then he slowly looks back down at me with an ugly sneer. “You think that’s going to stop me!” he says in a menacingly low tone. “You tried to kill my fucking son!”

I buck my hips with everything I have, then twist my body as much as I can, which isn’t a lot. He’s like a dead weight, but I try to jar my knees into his back as I slap him again. I just need him to release me.

“Nix!” I cry. “It’s me, Abbi. You’re hurting me!” My voice sounds raw to my ears, but it’s enough to have his grip softening, and I hungrily gasp in a breath.

I cough and sputter, still struggling to take a full breath with his weight on me, but at least his hands aren’t around my throat. Each gulp draws more essential oxygen into my lungs, and the air has never tasted sweeter. I bring my hand up to my throbbing throat, rubbing it carefully. It’s so tender to the touch and swallowing sends fire licking along my throat.

His brow furrows, causing deep ridges across his forehead. He narrows his eyes, and I’m not sure if he’s seeing me or whoever was in his nightmare. “Abbi?” he murmurs.

I can’t stop the keening sob of relief that explodes over my lips, burning my throat in the process. He scurries off me, falling to the floor in his rush to get away from me. He lands heavily on his ass, his breaths heavy and stilted. He roughly pushes his hands through his hair as I continue to cough and catch my breath, but it’s tough.

I roll to my side, then move to my hands and knees, dropping my head between my shoulders as my lungs flounder to be filled. I can’t get enough oxygen, and the panic that’s growing isn’t helping, but I can’t seem to stop. I can’t calm my body quickly enough. Every muscle in my body shakes uncontrollably, making it hard to stay upright.

Nix’s warm hand lands between my shoulder blades and the bed dips beside me. I jerk away from my husband. I don’t mean to. I don’t want to hurt or upset him.

“Abbi. Fuck! I’m so sorry.” His voice breaks on the last word. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean …” He shakes his head repeatedly.

Another coughing fit is followed by a whooping sound as I try to suck in air. Bright light suddenly bathes our room, and I squeeze my eyes shut against the intrusion. Nix’s hand returns to my back, and I fight every instinct in me to pull away from him. The warmth of his palm trails up and down along my spine slowly, soothingly.

“Abbi. Listen to me. You need to slow your breathing.” I know that. His hand pauses at the nape of my neck, then starts to move back down toward my butt as he dips low to capture my eyes, his are filled with remorse and terror. “Breathe with me. Okay?” He raises his eyebrows, and I nod.

He breathes in slowly, and I do my best to mimic his actions. The feel of his palm tracing down my back and his proximity helps to center me now that I’ve had a few moments to calm myself. I watch him closely as he breathes in and out, following his actions as best I can in between coughs. More tears drop from my eyes, landing on the bed beneath me, and I focus on his touch to calm my mind and my body.

“I’m so sorry, Abbi. I’m so sorry. Abbi, I’m so sorry,” Nix softly repeats on a broken loop. The anguish in his eyes and defeat in his posture are heartbreaking. Devastating.

I don’t know if we’ll be able to come back from this.

I don’t blame him for what he did in his sleep, but he’ll blame himself. I know he will.

Slowly, my breathing improves, though it still hurts like a bitch to swallow. Every muscle in my body feels lax, and my arms still shake from holding me up. I try to move, but the aftermath of the adrenaline high is making me weak.

Nix notices and wraps his arm around my shoulders, helping me to sit. An anguished cry shatters across my lips.

“Abbi. What have I done?” he whispers brokenly.

I try to stretch my lips into a smile. To reassure him. “I’ll be okay,” I rasp, then try to swallow, wincing at the fiery burn.