Page 61 of Everlasting Vows

“You know, I proudly signed up to serve and protect our country. I knew it wouldn’t be a fun time, but I didn’t expect it to impact me for the rest of my damn life. I’ve earned my peace.” I drop my head into my hands, defeated. “I just want to live my life, love my wife, and enjoy some peace. Is that too much to ask?”

“Of course it’s not. You’ve earned it. You deserve it. So, let’s work on bringing you peace so you can enjoy your time with your wife.”

“Maybe it would be best if I let Abbi go. I’m only going to keep hurting her.” The words taste like poison on my tongue, but the thoughts have started to take root. As much as I want to fight for my marriage, I don’t want to cause Abbi more pain at my hand. “She’s the last person I ever want to cause pain.”

Harry sighs, tapping his fingers on the arm of his chair. “Is that really what you want to do?”

I burst up from my chair and pace, agitation making every step sharp. “Fuck no! I love her more than anything. If it weren’t for her and the kids, I’d have no purpose. They light up my days, and once upon a time, Abbi lit up my nights too.”

“Okay. Let’s start by talking about that day.”

My stomach rolls and sinks simultaneously, swooping down like I’m on a rollercoaster, but I start at the beginning and share everything I remember about that day in as much detail as I can. The images roll through my mind as if I’m watching actors in a movie, but the way my heart races and sweat beads across my forehead and down my back, I know I’m not watching actors playing a role. This is a lived experience that has deeply scarred my psyche. Given me invisible wounds from which I’ll never recover.

I collapse back into my chair as if I’ve run a marathon, my chest rising and falling with labored breaths.

Harry sighs wearily. “I’m so sorry, Nix. Nobody should ever have to experience such horror, such tragedy. And unfortunately, our government doesn’t look after our returned servicemen and women as they should. This burden you carry is heavy, and I can understand why that is because I know the kind of man you are at your core.” He leans forward. “Let’s talk about what you would have done after the attack if you weren’t rendered unconscious and whisked off to the hospital.”

I tilt my head to the side, trying to make sense of what he’s asking me to do. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you said you never got the chance to punish the people behind the attack that ended Wyatt’s life. How would you have punished the perpetrators of such a heinous act?” he asks, measuring each word.

I sit up straight, steel in my spine as the numerous scenarios I’ve imagined play in my head. “I would have gathered the rest of my squad and hunted them down. We would have kept hunting them until we found them. Then I would have my men locate a secure facility so I could torture them. I would have inflicted pain so severe that they would have begged me to end their miserable lives. I would have kept going until the last man involved in the attack lay dead at my feet.”

Harry nods sagely, shifting in his chair before rising to his feet and making his way over to the window. “And would that have changed the outcome for Wyatt, for Shane, you, or the boy?” he asks with his back to me. His tone doesn’t hold any judgement, but I feel judged just the same.

Discomfort creeps across my skin like a shadow. “I guess not,” I grunt.

“But taking action would have made you feel better? Would killing the people involved have given you back the control you felt you lost in the attack?” he asks as he turns to face me, his expression one of interest. As if my answer could make or break this entire conversation.

When I think about what he’s asking. Consider the depth of his questions and dig deep to assess if taking matters into my own hands would have made life after the explosion better, I come up short. Shaking my head, I try to formulate a response that makes sense, but everything feels jumbled in my head. My thoughts are turned inside out and upside down. On the one hand, I would have felt satisfaction at knowing those men couldn’t hurt anyone else, but my rational brain knows that there is always evil in the world. More men ready to take up the fight, no matter the cost. On the other hand, I know that killing the men involved wouldn’t have brought Wyatt back to us or spared Shane the pain and scars he’s had to endure.

I look up at Harry. “I don’t know.”

He walks to the front of his desk and leans back against it, his hands gripping the edge. “I think you do.”

I huff a breath and squeeze the back of my neck. “I know it wouldn’t have changed the outcome, okay?” I snap. “Wyatt was already gone, and Shane’s injuries couldn’t be undone.”

He nods. “True. It doesn’t make the pill any easier to swallow, though.” He pushes away from his desk and sits in his chair. “Now consider the repercussions of your actions if you were able to track those men down and murder them in retaliation.” He raises a bushy eyebrow at me.

“Jesus, don’t hold any punches.”

He grins at me. “That’s what I’m here for. Kid gloves never helped anyone.”

I think back over my time with the Army Rangers. I was—and still am—a stickler for following the rules. I mean, there are procedures and protocols … rules in place for a reason. “Realistically, I wouldn’t have gone rogue.”

Harry nods slowly. “I know that, but I want you to think about the repercussions, regardless. Let’s put things into perspective for your psyche. Maybe it’ll help rewrite the story in your night terrors.”

“If I had been caught, I would have been tried for war crimes. The kills would have been unsanctioned, and I would have gone before the court. I probably would have ended up serving a prison sentence and not been able to return to my family.” My stomach free-falls at the thought of being held separate from my family. In a way, abandoning Abbi and the kids under the most shameful of circumstances. While she’s proud of me for serving our country, there would be no reason for her to feel proud if I’d done the wrong thing and broken the law. “Mentally, I don’t think I would have been able to live with myself knowing I’d murdered men. No matter how justified it felt at the time.”

“And how would that have helped anybody, Nix?” Harry asks softly.

“It wouldn’t have.” My body sags into the chair as if my muscles are too exhausted to hold me upright. I look up at Harry and shrug. “Nothing would have changed, except my life would have ended up in the shitter. I would have let my family down in the worst, most shameful way possible.”

“I also want to point out that by not going rogue, you have been available to help Wyatt’s widow and son, as well as support Shane. You’ve built a successful business that’s helped numerous people, and you give your time to the community here to support other returned soldiers. Just last night, you helped those people trapped in the corner store with that gunman.” He studies me intently. “None of that would have been possible, Nix. It’s tragic that Wyatt lost his life. Tragic that a young boy was sacrificed for a heinous crime. Tragic that Shane has suffered the way he has. But there has been a lot of good that’s come from your unencumbered return.” He taps the arm of his chair. “You need to remember that. Focus on the good that’s come from your return.”

I sit with his words. Ruminating over them. Twisting them and looking at them from all angles. He’s right. Looking deep inside myself, I still feel anger burning, and I’m sure I always will, but there’s also a quiet acceptance starting to take up space. I don’t know how to assimilate this new feeling, and I look to Harry.

“It will take time to get used to a new way of thinking about the past, Nix. Changes can’t be made overnight, and it takes conscious thought to push these new ideas through to your subconscious … to rewire your brain. But I believe we’ve made positive strides today.” He picks up his coffee and takes a sip, scrunching up his nose. “Damn thing’s gone cold.” He places it back on the coffee table and turns his attention to me. “Give yourself a few days. Monitor your sleep. But I’d like you to try sleeping beside your wife.”