Page 21 of Everlasting Vows

I come up behind her and rest my hands on her shoulders, ready to slide my arm across her collarbones. Instead of leaning back into my body the way she usually does, she flinches, so I let her go with a grimace. It reminds me of earlier when she didn’t want me holding her—the way she pushed out of my hold. Her reactions hammer home a thought I’ve been ignoring since my world imploded—maybe she doesn’t want to fix this. She said she’d give me a chance to make things right, but maybe she was just appeasing me, and at her core, she’s already done with me. Done with us.

Stepping to her side, I ask one of the toughest questions I’ve ever had to ask. Every muscle in my body draws tight as if preparing for an attack. “Abbi?” Her shoulders stiffen, but she doesn’t turn to look at me. It’s like she doesn’t hear me, doesn’t see me. “Do you want to save our marriage?” I ask warily.

She’s silent for long moments as tears trail down her cheeks. Disappointment in and anger at myself flood through my veins like poison, drowning the sliver of hope I had that we could work our way through this brokenness. Without lifting her tear-filled gaze to mine, she shrugs. “If I’m being brutally honest, I’m torn.”

Her words are like a sledgehammer to my fragile heart, but at least that’s not an outright no. I can work with that.

She looks at me, her watery gaze flitting over my face, her heartbreak written into the redness around her eyes and nose. “Nix, I don’t want to hurt you. It’s never been my intention to do that. I-I just need to put myself first for once.”

I reach up and slide her hair behind her ear and wipe her tears with my thumbs. “You should always put yourself first, Abs. And I should have done the same. In my mind, I thought I was.” I shrug.

Abbi presses into my hand, and I doubt she realizes she’s doing it because if she did, she’d pull away like she did before. “I don’t trust you to follow through on these plans you’ve worked out with Harry and Gabe. You have this one-track mind, and when it’s stuck on something, that something takes all of your focus. I know your business is important to you. It’s been your priority since you left the army and I understood you needed something to turn to after such an awful tragedy, but I would have loved that focus to be on us and our family instead of something outside of it after all the years we lost when you were overseas.” She swipes at her cheeks and swallows. “I don’t know if I can hope for something that won’t ever be.”

The guilt. I feel like I’m drowning in it and I don’t know which way is up to surface for air.

I bend my knees so I’m at Abbi’s level, capturing her teary gaze. “But don’t you see? You’re my focus now. That one-track mind of mine will be focused on you and our family, where it always should have been.” I cup her cheeks, unable to let her suffer alone any longer. “I fucked up, Abs. I see that now.” I drop my forehead to hers, begging her with my eyes to believe me. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Abbi reaches up and wipes at my cheeks. Tears I didn’t realize were falling, moisten my stubble. “I don’t know if I can trust you with my heart,” she murmurs, almost against my lips, her words touching me in ways that steal my hope further. “It hasn’t been easy watching you slip away from me. From our family. Watching you choose everything else except for us year after year has been devastating. I’ve tried my best to keep things together, but I’m exhausted from being the only person in this marriage who cares.”

“I care,” I grumble, my lips brushing hers. “I care more than I’ve shown you, and that’s on me. I’m asking you to be patient with me while I work this out. I need to fix this, Abbi.” I suck in a necessary breath. “There’s no alternative for me.” I press my lips softly to hers, and my body sighs. “Can you give me a little time to turn your doubts in me into trust? Let me show you that I mean what I say.”

Her eyes flick between mine. The sliver of hope mixed with a lot of distrust I see in them undoes me, but I can’t blame her. I haven’t been the man I promised to be. I let her down in the most fundamental way a husband can let down his wife. As the seconds pass, my hope dwindles, but she nods slowly. “Okay,” she murmurs so softly, I’m unsure if she really agreed.

Joy and determination flow through my veins, replacing the poison from earlier. I lean forward and press a soft kiss to her forehead. Her eyelids drop closed, and I kiss each one, then make my way down her cheek to capture her lips, half expecting her to pull away, but to my surprise, she doesn’t. She presses her body into mine, wrapping her arms around my back, her fingers digging into my muscles, and I drag her closer, ensuring not a breath of space remains between us as I wrap my arms around her waist. “I promise your heart’s safe with me, Abs,” I assure her against her lips.

I kiss her lightly, sipping at her lips, savoring her mouth against mine. How long has it been since I kissed my wife? How long since I’ve felt her soft lips beneath mine, reminding me I’m home? I press harder, tasting her breath and hoarding it in my memory. I can’t believe how close I am to losing her. Losing this. I’ve been a fucking idiot.

Who would willingly throw this away?

Gratitude that my wife’s willing to give me another chance fuels my desire to deepen our kiss. I slip my tongue along her bottom lip, seeking permission to enter, and after a short while, she sighs, and I take the invitation. Dipping inside, I taste her after far too long. She tastes like everything I need for survival. My past and my future. She moans into my mouth and meets my tongue, tangling together in a dance that’s as familiar as breathing. Our kisses are second nature, something I lost sight of over the years.

My blood fizzes and pops like champagne bubbles with each stroke of her tongue against mine. We grow desperate, as if we’re both imprinting the other on our tongues and in our hearts. I’ve always loved kissing Abbi; having her melt into me. I love kissing her for no reason at all or kissing her to seduce her into my bed. I’m unsure how long we kiss, but I get lost in her. In the feel of her body against mine, her taste on my tongue, her lips against mine. It’s so familiar, yet it’s been far too long since we’ve connected in this way.

Possibilities fill my mind of a future without this woman by my side, and I almost crumble to the floor. I tighten my hold, melding our bodies, and deepen our kiss impossibly further. We clutch each other, holding tight as if our very survival depends on not letting go. I’m never letting this woman go. I refuse. I breathe her in and soak up her warmth. She’s my everything, and I won’t stop showing her from this point forward. There will be no doubt in her mind that she means the world to me.

She pulls away, and our foreheads touch. Our breaths come in heavy gasps, coating each other’s lips. Reaching up, I stroke her hair and her face, studying every curve, dip, crease, and freckle. “I love you, Abigail Prudence Steele.” I tell her as I cup her face with reverence, her soft skin warm beneath my hands, her cheeks damp from her tears.

Her gaze is uncertain, and I can’t undo the hurt I’ve caused her, but I can ensure I never break her heart again. That she never has to question my devotion to her and our family again. She takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly, but doesn’t respond to my declaration. I tell myself it’s fine. Convince myself that I don’t need her to respond. I need to earn her trust again. But I can’t lie to myself; her lack of response fucking burns.

Sliding my hands down her throat and across her shoulders, I move them further down her arms, feeling her shiver, and take her hands in mine. A small, shaky smile touches my lips as I step away. “Even though it’s almost midnight, do you want to come outside and plan out our backyard with me? I have some ideas I think you’ll like.” I raise my brows as I wait for her answer, knowing I’ve switched gears suddenly, but I need to tear my mind away from her lack of “I love you” back.

She nods almost shyly, and I tug her toward the back door and open it. Cool air greets us, and we both shiver. “I think I’ll need a coat.”

I nod, then leave her standing at the door while I retrieve our coats from the mudroom. I hold hers out so she can push her arms through the sleeves, then drag it upward, ensuring the collar isn’t twisted. She smiles at me with gratitude and steps outside. I grab the flashlight and follow, tugging my coat on.

I take her hand in mine, pleased she doesn’t pull away, and lead her down the back porch steps. “We only have six months, and ideally I want this finished at least two months before to ensure the plants have a little time to establish. I want it to be perfect for Prue.”

Abbi smiles at me, and it feels like I’ve won an award. “Do you remember how we wanted to have a fire pit over there?” She points in the general direction with her chin.

“Yeah, I do, and I think we should make it happen. But we build the fire pit after the wedding. I was thinking the sunken area would be the perfect spot for the kids to say their vows.”

She looks up at me with surprise. “That would be perfect. We could build a temporary arbor over it with flowers. She’d love that.”

I nod, making a mental note to find a reputable carpenter because that’s beyond my capabilities. I turn back toward the house, spinning Abbi with me. “I’d like our porch to be extended to wrap around the side and all the way along the back of the house, with a built-in hot tub and privacy screen.”

Her nose crinkles in that way it does when she doesn’t agree with something but doesn’t want to voice her opinion. I squeeze her hand, encouraging her to speak her thoughts. “We don’t really need a hot tub for the wedding, Nix.”

“I know, but it’s something we always talked about having, and while we’re doing the work, we may as well make our backyard the sanctuary we’ve always wanted it to be.” Hopefully, she’ll fall so in love with the garden, she won’t want to leave. I guide her around the side of the house where our bedroom is situated. “I thought we could swap out the window for some French doors and have the hot tub over here. The privacy screen would separate it from the backyard, so it won’t be a prominent feature.”