Page 51 of Hard to Love

Wandering around my parents’ home, I try to busy myself with final details. Walker and I will be celebrating our engagement as we prepare for our wedding next week. Checking on the caterers, looking over the floral arrangements. Anything to keep from thinking about the event itself.

I’m nervous for some reason, like butterflies in my stomach. It’s been a year since I’ve felt this way. An expectancy of something to come, something so wonderful my heart can’t contain it. Closing my eyes, I picture Hardy. Startling me enough to snap my eyes open. Damn, why does that keep happening?

Meandering through the house, I find my mother in the study, sitting at her desk writing something on stationery. She touches a tissue to her face as she studies the paper in front of her. Whatever she’s writing must be heartwarming; she smiles sweetly with every pass of her pen.

I begin to cry, thinking of my parents’ relationship. My mom wasn’t the easiest to love. She had been married before to One’s father. He was killed when my brother was only a few months old, she was devastated. When she met my father, she was heartbroken.

He once told me, he didn’t think he would ever win her heart, that it was lost forever. But when she finally opened it to him, her love made him complete. Never an easy road but one they walked hand in hand, facing whatever came at them.

I’ve never thought of Walker when I imagine being old and gray, walking hand in hand with the love of my life. It has always been Hardy. His eyes are the ones I dream of. His kiss is what I need. His heart is what I want. His body against mine is all I desire.

My mother looks up to find me standing in the doorway.

“Come here, sweetie. Let’s talk.” She waves me over to the couch next to the window. It’s raining today. The leaves have fallen so quickly this year; the rain will probably take the rest of what’s left on the branches.

“What would you like to talk about, Mom?” Conjuring my strength, I walk over and sit. We watch the red, yellow, and orange show in front of us. After a few minutes of calm, she breaks the silence.

“How are you?” She brushes my hair over my shoulder and continues to play with it. Finally, she breaks the silence lingering between us.

“Thayer, I would hope you know you can call anything off at any time. You don’t have to go through with this.” She surprises me with her thoughts.

“Why wouldn’t I go through with this?” Moving to sit across from her.

“You’re in love with a man who’s not your fiancé; why are you even considering going through with this wedding?” Looking stern, her mouth furrows with worry.

“Because he wants me. He loves me.” Wrapping my arms around myself, I break down. “Hardy doesn’t want me.” Searching her eyes, I see something. Hope?

“He loves you so much; he left to allow you to see if someone else was better for you.” Leaning forward, she moves my hair from my face.

“What does that even mean?” I try to dry my face with my shirt sleeve.

“Did you know Cal left me? Walked away.” Her eyes become glassy with unshed tears as her mouth droops.

“No. What? When?” I’m practically speechless.

“Malone was two. Your father had tried everything to get me to understand he was here for the long haul. He was here to stay. In my world, Thayer, people didn’t stay. Raised by my aunt, trash no one wanted. When Griffin came into my life, he helped give me self-worth. No, I should’ve never built my self-esteem on a relationship, but it’s all I knew. He loved me through all the pain, fixing things in me that had been torn down for years. Losing him rocked me to my core. I held your brother close, he was all I had, or so I thought.

“When your dad came along, I felt so worthless. Forgotten. I was a great person, but no one saw that. Griffin’s family loved Malone, not me. Cal loved me. He loved me so much, he looked over my love for Griffin. A year into our marriage, Cal walked out. Telling me even his love would never be enough to find a place in my heart. It was so filled with Griffin, I was afraid I’d forget him. It was important to remember him for Malone. But I didn’t see it was at the expense of Cal.

“You see, Thayer. Cal told me I was going to ruin all we had by not letting him in. You already don’t allow Walker in, sweetie. Do you honestly think he’ll wait a lifetime for you to open your heart?” She lays her hands on mine.

“It’s time someone loves me. Puts me first. I’ve waited all this time to find a great love, and what the fuck did it get me? Brokenhearted. I’m done. Walker’s a good man, and I can only hope to love him the way he loves me.” Jumping from the chair, I run out of the room and up the stairs. Locking myself in my old bedroom.

A few hours later, my mom knocks at my door, letting me know we’re an hour and a half from the party. I run a bath to take a long soak. Rob Thomas sings to me, telling me how my heart has ended up in pieces.

I pile my dark hair on top of my head, with pieces framing my face. I slip the cobalt blue, swift dress over my head and slip into my silver pumps. Diamond studs adorn my ears. Around my neck, a simple silver necklace with a flower hangs from it.

With my hand on the door, I pause to rub the flower to remind myself what I’m walking away from. If he can do it, so can I. I stand at the top of the stairs, watching the room buzz. Walker looks impressive in his silver tux and matching tie. He works the room like a pro.

I smile at my future husband, knowing he’ll always do what is right. He’ll always put me first, always be forthright. Honest with no hidden life or agenda. Just willing to love me. I start down the stairs, garnering attention as I descend.

Walker meets me at the bottom, taking my hand as he begins to make introductions. Helping me to work the room just like him. His hand on the small of my back, leading me. He proudly displays me and this rock he’s provided me.

Once in a while, he tucks my hair away from my face, telling me I need to showcase the goods, not hide them. Smiling brightly, he winks, giving me the go-ahead to greet my guests now that I’ve met his. The evening is off to a great start; I’ve never been happier.

One and Lea arrive with all the children in tow. Walker rolls his eyes at the twins, but it’s really not that kind of party. After greeting them, One takes Wren and Harlyn upstairs. I have yet to see Chord; I’m not even sure who he’s bringing.

Searching the main room for him, Walker gets my attention, motioning me forward. I’m by his side quickly as he introduces me once again to a work colleague. “May I introduce you to Thayer Hamilton. Thayer, my friend, Chet Norwood.” We shake hands as he looks me up and down, giving me the creeps. “Thayer, why don’t you excuse yourself to the restroom, so you can do something with your hair?”