Page 42 of Hard to Love

“He’s always been an asshole. I’m just saying, be careful. Yes, I want you happy, but at what price? Trading one asshole for another isn’t the best scenario.” Chord’s face is red as he huffs his words at us. I look to One with raised eyebrows.

“Why? Why is he an asshole, Chord?” I ask in earnest.

“He’s spoiled, and he doesn’t lose graciously. Walker needs a dose of humility. That’s all I’m saying. It’ll be my luck you’ll marry the little shit.” Chord kicks my desk leg.

“You’ve been dating a while; do you love him?” One’s words cut the deepest. What should I say? The truth. I tell them the truth.

“I could love him; I mean, I do love him. No, it’s not like Hardy. And no, I haven’t slept with Walker.” They both squeeze their eyes shut and groan. “I love Hardy.”

“I love him too, Tay.?” He pauses before adding, “Lea told me. I’m not sure it’s a great idea, but you’re a grown woman, as my wife not so gently reminded me this morning.” He grimaces at the memory.

“I love him. That’s not going to change anytime soon. What the fuck do you want me to say? It’s different for girls. We fall to pieces and pick up when and how we can.” I knock away the tears that run down my face, and One closes his eyes.

“Well, whatever you choose, I’m here. I hope you find Hardy if nothing more than for closure.” One sighs heavily as if his heart is breaking.

“We’d better get moving, especially if One is going home at lunch to grovel.” Chord punches him in the arm.

“One’s going home to try to make another baby or two; that’s what One’s going home to do.” One punches Chord in the arm hard, but the surprised looks on our faces aren’t over the punch.

“Damn, One. God didn’t mean for you and Lea to be the only two to populate the earth.” I burst into laughter for the second time since my brothers entered my office.

“It’s five kids, people. Okay, it’s eight, including the girls, so what’s a few more? Besides, I do enjoy my woman pregnant.” Chord and I make gagging noises. But in all honesty, I’m so happy. I don’t know how they will do it with the twins being only eight months old, but if two people can, it’s them.

My brothers hug me before they leave, and I get back to work. I rarely go out on-site anymore. My business has flourished, and I have a great crew to handle the labor. I’m making great money, and I’m in the early stages of planning to decorate different businesses for the holidays. I’m not sure if I’ll put up a tree or not; I bought it as a surprise for Hardy. He hadn’t had one since he was seven.

Closing up shop, I run home to change clothes and meet Walker for some kind of business get-together. He told me the other day they have quite a few in Charleston throughout the holidays. The smaller ones he holds downtown. Walker was pre-law at Clemson and graduated from UNC with his degree.

The dinner passed slowly; I’d instead have been home watching a movie. On the way home, Walker tries his hand at our future, talking about kids and marriage. Knowing where it was going, I just broke it open.

“Walker, I’d prefer to wait to have sex. It’s not an easy choice, but it’s mine. I want to marry the man I have sex with.” After saying it, I realize he thinks I mean I’m still a virgin. I know it’s terrible of me, but I allow him to believe it. It makes this whole thing easier.

“I respect your decision, Thayer. Being a man, I’m not thrilled with it, but I’ll damn well respect it.” Walker looks everywhere but at me. He’s pissed, I can tell; his jaw is ticking.

“Thank you. So as you know, it’s not about him,” I remark offhandedly.

He sees me to my door. Standing there in the crisp fall air, our lips meet. Soft, pliable kisses. Not forced or rough. Easy, sweet. It’s different, that’s all. Just another way of doing things. Walker stands with his head against mine for several minutes; he shakes it slightly.

“Until you’re willing to let me in, Thayer, we’ll always be on the threshold of something earth-shattering. You have to allow me in, not halfway. Give us a chance.” Walker kisses the top of my head and walks away.

Standing under the night sky, Walker’s words eat away at my soul. He’s so right. I spent so much time begging Hardy to give us a chance; here I am doing the same thing to Walker. Folding my arms over my chest, a chill runs down my spine, making me shudder.

It’s cold out tonight, but then, the hair on my neck stands on end. My stomach begins flipping, making me catch my breath. It’s then I start looking around. I have no idea why, but I can feel Hardy. I feel his eyes on me, his hands roaming my body. I feel him deep inside me.

Losing myself to the memory of Hardy, my head falls back as I run my hand around my neck. Thinking of Hardy’s lips on it, his mouth on me. My face flushes, and I take a ragged breath. Finally, I release his name into the dead of night. Calling to him. “Hardy. I still love you. Come back to me.”

Suddenly, I hear a noise in the dark. Across from where I stand, there’s movement in the trees. Oddly enough, I’m not frightened. Something pulls deep within me, and I take a step toward my driveway. Then two. Standing on the edge of the woods, my breathing ragged, I can feel him.

“Hardy, it’s okay, baby. Come home. Please. Don’t make me go on without you.” Tears break their barriers; I fall to my knees, crying. Praying he’ll come back.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Thayer

November.

Five months post-Hardy.

The days are still long, and nights are even colder. Two weeks ago, I sat on the side of the road begging a shadow to come back and love me. I’m not sure why, but I know he was there. It made me see that no matter what was said, he wasn’t coming back.