Page 20 of Hard to Love

Thayer, on the other hand, will never forgive me. She’s let me get away with too much shit already. Mother fucker. Do they think I’ve forgotten? I’ll never forget the day it happened. Why it happened. Do they believe they are the only people to lose something? I lost. By God, I lost everything that damn day.

Am I not allowed to move on? No one, and I does mean no one, can make me feel worse than I do. No one lives with it on their mind or in their heart the way I do. I have to learn to live with myself every day, all over again. Looking at myself in the mirror every morning and live with the incredible fucking piece of shit I am every fucking day.

I know I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve love. To have a family or a future. To have lived a minute longer is more than I ever deserved. Living my life alone is the price to be paid for who I am. Nothing but death and destruction have plagued my life; sorrow and guilt are my companions.

Pouring myself a glass of Jaeger, I take care of my security system. Walking out on my deck, I text One about our job tomorrow, hoping it’s not with Thayer. Knowing she’s already awake and ticked as hell, she’s going to be out for blood when I walk away. I have to; it’s what’s expected.

Come to think of it, I haven’t heard from her yet. It’s noon; indeed, she’s up. Fuck it, I don’t need to care. All I need to do is steer clear of her until I can get her outta my head. Both of them. Now, how to do it. If anyone heard me talk about Thayer, they’d say I’m crazy. I’m crazy about her, so yeah, I’m fucking insane.

My phone vibrates with an incoming text; it’s One. Good news for a change, we’re working on Lea’s house. Seems as though he and Lea are getting closer. I need to catch up with him. My head’s been so far up his sister’s ass, I haven’t even talked to my best friend. So much for sharing war stories.

Another text comes in. One again, he’s coming over. Just what I need. Wonder if he’d like to know I want to fuck his sister into next week? Nah, I don’t think so either. I shoot him a quick text to say, come on over and hit the shower. I smell like Thayer’s perfume. I wanted that to last a while, but what the fuck ever.

After taking care of my wood in the shower, I towel off quickly, throw some sweats on, and grab a beer. One should be here anytime. No sooner do I think it, I get a text. Bet he’s bailing on me for that Lea chick. Jerking up my phone, pissed as ever, I look at it. It’s not from One. It’s Thayer. Oh, hell no.

Nice. I’m done.

Three words. Not the three I want to hear from her, but I guess that’ll never happen again. Goddamn, what the hell am I supposed to do? Throwing my phone, it rockets across the room and shatters when it hits the front door. One opens the door, looking around, when his eyes hit the shattered phone on the floor.

“Is it safe, man?” he asks before he takes another step.

“Shit. Sorry. Yeah, come on in.” I squeeze my eyes shut to silently curse myself for doing it. Not because of the phone. Because he’s gonna want to know why. Fuck.

“So, where is she? Or better, who is she?” he says, smirking as he crosses the room to where I stand in the kitchen.

“Fuck it. It doesn’t matter; she’s done. My own fault; I’m too much of a fuck up.” Reaching for the Jaeger, I pour two fingers and offer it to One.

“No, thanks. Listen, you’re not the man you once were. You paid for your mistakes, so stop allowing it to dictate who you are.” Sitting across from me, his words are as sincere as the smile on his face.

“You would think that One. I may not be the man I once was, but I’m not the man I could be. A fact I prove every day, especially to those who mean the most to me,” I say, grimacing as I swallow the amber liquid.

“Who the hell told you that shit? You know better, asshole. You’re a good man. Who is she? Who is it that has you so fucked up, you can’t see who you’ve become? Through all the bullshit, you’re a good man.” His jaw clenches as he says it.

Contemplating whether to tell him, I think of Thayer’s words on my phone. What good will it do now to say to him the truth? Nothing he can say or do will fix this clusterfuck I’ve gotten myself into. I’m not even sure he won’t be pissed. I mean, I’ve hurt his sister.

“We’re over. She sent me a text; she’s done. Honestly, it’s on me. I’ve let everything come between us. She’s amazing; I don’t deserve her.” Shaking my head as I pick up my phone, I see the screen is shattered.

“Well, now I understand the flying phone. You know I’ll listen if you need me; I’m here.” There’s only one person kinder than him, and it’s his sister.

“It’s all good. I’ve just never hurt like this over a woman.” Pouring myself another two fingers, One nod in agreement.

“Tell me about it. Lea has me in knots. I can’t do a damn thing right. But every fiber in my body wants her, you know? People scoff at the thought of love at first sight, but I believe it’s possible. I know for a fact you can feel something deeply for someone you’ve just met. It goes beyond understanding; the connection was instantaneous. I want her; I love her,” he says matter of factly.

“I’m there, man. I don’t think I’ve wanted someone more. I know I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’m not worthy of her, but I’d damn sure try to be.” I down my drink and slam the glass on the counter.

One hangs around for a few hours while we lick our wounds. Women and work dominate the conversation and the fact that I need to hit up the phone store first thing in the morning. I’m pleased to say I dodged a bullet where his sister is concerned; I never once gave up her name. He seemed delighted I was interested in someone but still curious. Good thing Lea has him crazed, or he would’ve pushed a lot harder.

By the time I hit the bed, I still haven’t heard any more from Thayer. I’m not surprised with my phone trashed, but it doesn’t make it sting any less. I keep telling myself it’s for the best; for some reason, though, I’m not feeling the best about it.

Time. Time heals all wounds, or at least I hear it does.

The Jaeger helps me to fall asleep, and my dreams are all on Thayer.

Waking to the radio telling me, I love her, I want her, I need her, makes me want to go find her and make her mine. Why do I insist on torturing myself?

Throwing on my favorite khaki shorts and a t-shirt, I brush my teeth and feed Lulu before hitting the road. First, I need to make a quick trip to buy a new phone. That’ll hurt my wallet. I’m such a dumbass. Who breaks their fucking phone over a text?

New phone in hand, I head over to Lea’s. She lives right around the corner from me, so it’ll be a short drive home. Parking in the driveway, I can see Thayer’s crew has finished their work. I’ll not be seeing her for a while, and that hurts like fucking hell.