Page 13 of Hard to Love

For the second time today, I watch the waves crashing into the shore. Most everyone has left or is leaving, but I needed some time to myself. Trying to make sense out of all that’s happened today. My lack of a romantic relationship doesn’t help. I’m just so lost as to where we go from here.

Desperate for a rational opinion, I consider talking to One but immediately decide he’s not my best choice. Christy left just after I came out from the bathroom, so that’s a no-go. No way can I go to my mom, not this time. Wrestling with my choices, I’m distracted when Chord walks up.

“Hey, you okay?” My younger brother sits beside me on the sand, the moon our only light.

“I’m good. Just trying to figure some shit out. Why is it the minute you think I got this, some shit happens, sending you into a tailspin?” I ask as I gaze at the full moon.

“Well, I think the first thing you should do is figure out what you and Hardy are doing. Are you together, just hooking up, nothing? As far as I can tell, it’s nothing.” Bumping his shoulder into me as he delivers his observation.

“Was it that obvious? Did One notice? Do you think Hardy wants me? Am I chasing him too hard?” Ughh, what am I asking?

“It isn’t obvious. Yes, Hardy wants you. That is obvious. No, you’re not chasing him too much. It looked to me like he was running after you. Funny how he disappeared right after you, then suddenly, he’s gone.” Tilting his head as he thinks about it.

“What about One? I know Hardy’s concerned One will get pissed. I really don’t give a shit; I’ve never told One who he could date.” Maybe I should have told him what I thought about Montgomery before it went to hell in a handbag.

“One will get over it. He thinks a lot of Hardy, and you know he loves you. He’s just as bad as Mom and Dad when it comes to protecting us. I think it’s because of the mess with Montgomery.” Chord looks at his phone when it buzzes.

“Hot date? Who is she?” I knock my knee into him as I joke.

“I wish. No, just my friend. She’s cool, but that’s all she is—a friend. So you and Hardy, what’s the plan?” He stands as he asks before reaching for me.

“No clue. He says he wants me but runs at every turn. I’m tired of chasing him.” I shrug.

“Maybe stop. Stop everything. Whatever happened to make him leave must have been something huge. Let him think about it. Leave him wanting more.” With my brother’s arm around me, we wander the path home.

I make a quick run for a bottle of wine on my way home; I plan to relive Hardy several times tonight. Kicking off my shoes, I put the wine in to chill. I jump in the shower because I can smell Hardy all over me. After, I throw a pair of boy shorts on and a ratty old t-shirt, picking up my dirty clothes to take them to the laundry on my way to the kitchen.

I don’t make it out of the bedroom before I drop something. It’s in a little blue velvet bag with a drawstring. Where did that come from? Picking it up, I continue to the kitchen after dropping my clothes off. Pouring a glass of wine, I curl up on my couch and open the bag. Flipping it upside down, something drops from it.

A silver chain lands first, with a flower pendant on end. Inside the flower, there’s a starfish. The best of both worlds. I shared with Hardy my love of starfish; the Legend of the Starfish is one of my favorite tales. The necklace is delicate like a flower, but the strength of the center starfish has deep meaning; I feel it. Kissing it lightly, I say a silent prayer for us and place it around my neck.

Tossing and turning most of the night, Chord’s suggestion plays over in my mind. I’m not a fan of game playing. Probably explains my lack of dating experience, but it’s not me. Hardy’s older than me, so I’m pretty sure he’s not playing. The conviction in his words about my brother told me so.

Hardy’s words echo through my heart; I feel like he was telling me I was too good for him. Or moreover, he isn’t good enough for me, my family. My brother. He’s One’s best friend; what would ever make him feel that way? Has One made him feel less? It would be hard to imagine anyone making him feel less than what he is. Unless he feels that way already.

Pacing my living room, I open my back door to listen to the ocean. The breeze is warm, reminding me of a storm brewing off the coast. Resembling the one in my heart. Why tell me you want me, but it can’t happen? It’s like lighting a fire and then dumping water on it.

Closing my eyes, my body heats from the memory of him pressed against me. His lips were on mine, taking what he wanted. Allowing me what I need. Giving in to this thing before we combust. Both of us want each other, yet him still holding back.

Knowing he wants me, how he kissed me. Even making me orgasm, I know what I need to do. I have to walk away. No more waiting; I’ve waited for two months. Chord’s right; it’s time he comes to me.

The following week, I work on taking care of myself. Starting with getting my business off the ground. The week passes quickly. I’m working by day and setting my apartment up at night. I decline to help. I prefer to be alone right now, with so many things to work through.

Christy invites me out Saturday night but again, I decline. Around eleven that night, I can’t take another minute inside my own head. I’ve dodged Hardy all week. My office is located in the building adjacent to One’s. I came in late and left early before he had a chance to go around.

Tonight though, I need a drink. Every night I’ve dreamed of him. His lips. His words. Feeling like I need to see him or text him, it’s time for a distraction. So to the club, I go. Forgoing Froggy Bottomz, I head straight for Malibu Surf Bar. The hottest bars at Myrtle are within walking distance of one another, but I’m praying I don’t run into the big guy from the other night.

Two Bottle Caps later, I text Christy to get her ass over to Malibu’s. Five minutes later, she walks through the door. Waving her over, we get a few drinks and find a table. I’m determined not to get drunk tonight. I do stupid shit, so it’s not happening.

“So, what brought you out? Don’t say anything; you’ve been non-existent this week. Has he called? Oh, hell no. Did you call him? Tell me you didn’t call him.” I have to hold my hand up to get her to shut the fuck up. Shit.

“No, he didn’t call, and neither did I. I needed to loosen up; it’s been a helluva week,” I reassure her as I nurse my Green Fairy. These damn things set me on my ass before; I’ll not be slamming them back this time.

“Good, I think. Is it good?” Giggling at her show of solidarity, she begins to laugh with me. This is good. It’s what I need.

“It’s good. No sense sitting at home going over ‘bathroom gate’ a million more times. I’m done. If he wanted me, he should have made a move by now,” I say, shrugging as I think about the past week.

“Have you figured out why he doesn’t want this with you? Is it because of One?” Contemplating Christy’s question, I really would have to say no.