Page 31 of Break Me: Smith and Belle

Edward had carried Wills to the window to show him the cars moving along the street below, so I took my opportunity to speak to Clara privately. “Did you ever have postpartum depression?”

Clara’s face softened instantly, and she reached out her hand, placing it on mine. “A little. It hasn’t been too bad for me.”

“Oh.” I suddenly felt as though I didn’t want to ruin the day by allowing a rain cloud to form over our heads.

“But it’s very common,” she said in a soothing voice. “And it is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I wish that were the case,” I muttered.

“Have you talked to a doctor?”

I nodded. “I even started taking something, but it only got worse, and the sleeping pills he prescribed made me sleepwalk.

“I bet that was embarrassing,” Clara said with a sympathetic giggle. Georgia must not have filled her in on my exploits.

I forced myself to smile. With everything Clara had been through in the last year, she didn’t need to hear about the incident on the pond. The last thing I wanted was to add to her worries. “I stopped taking it, but, of course, now I can’t sleep.”

“It takes a long time to adjust,” Clara told me. “You think that being a mother just comes naturally. Some of it does. The love. It deepened my relationship with Alexander. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy. It’s hard when you need a good night’s sleep or the baby is having a fussy day or cutting teeth.”

“How do you handle the rough days?”

“I remind myself that tomorrow is just as likely to be a good day as a bad one,” she said. “And then I forgive myself for not always being a saint.”

“You aren’t a saint?” I asked like I sincerely doubted this.

“Trust me,” she laughed. “I’m far from a saint. There are days when I don’t want to do any of it. I just want to hide in the bedroom and pull the covers over my head. I probably could. Alexander has half of the Army around at any given time, some of them have to know how to change nappies.”

“But you don’t,” I guessed.

“I take an extra five minutes,” she said softly. “And then I get up and do my best to find as much joy as I can in that day. Sometimes it’s only a single moment and the rest of it sucks, but that one moment…“

“Makes up for all of it,” I added softly. I knew exactly what she meant. For every time I’d been unable to soothe Penny, there’d been a moment of looking down and seeing how much she looked like Smith from a certain angle or watching her smile in her dreams.

“That’s why it’s so important to have Alexander around,” she confided in me. “Every time I see him with one of our children, I fall a little more in love with him.”

A dozen images of Smith cradling Penny and rocking her to sleep rushed to mind. It was an amazing gift to see the man I loved with our child. “Sometimes I miss it just being the two of us.”

“Of course you do,” Clara said, not at all offended by my confession. “It was certainly easier to sneak off to shag. But don’t forget there were plenty of things dividing your attention before. The thing about having children is that it makes you realize your priorities. They come first, when it used to be your love.”

“I know. I just worry that Smith and I will grow apart.” In truth, I was worried we’d be torn apart. Every day seemed to bring a new test, and with taking care of Penny, that left little time for us to find to devote to one another.

“The secret is that loving your children is part of your marriage. Also, they don’t stay little forever. You should see Elizabeth. I’m going to blink and she’ll be off to university.”

“Don’t say that,” I cried, wishing she’d brought her along, too. “I’m not ready.”

“See? That’s how you know you’re doing just fine. The thought of the day where your house is empty again just makes you sad.”

“I wouldn’t mind a few more moments alone, though,” I whispered.

“Well, you don’t have to have sex in the bedroom,” she told me seriously.

I pressed my palm to my chest. “How shocking, Your Majesty!”

“There’s a lot of places to sneak away to at Buckingham.” She shrugged with an impish grin.

It was always so easy to talk to Clara. I just wished we weren’t so far apart everyday. “I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m going to mess this up. That I’m going to mess her up.”

“I saw you with Wills and Elizabeth. You’re natural at this, too. The stakes just feel a lot higher when it’s your own kid.”