Page 39 of The Forever Vault

“Awkward? Difficult? As difficult as losing your virginity to your teenage crush who turned out to be a huge fuckwad that just used your ass for a good time and then never spoke to you again?”

All the pain and anger came back, giving my words weight. I wanted to punch a hole through the door. I wanted to push him through that hole and never see him again.

For years, I had dreamed about telling him off, and it was finally happening. It felt surreal. I was watching him the moment he broke. But after the first tear fell, I couldn’t silence the part of me that immediately felt bad.

No! He is a piece of shit asshole. Lock that shit up, Cam!

He tried to speak, but had to take a deep breath and try again. “I’ve thought of this moment for years. You don’t know how many times I looked you up, typed up a message, and deleted it. I never thought I’d see you again, so I was pretty nervous when Ezra made the Olympic team. I told myself that it was a good thing. Obviously, for Ezra, but also for me. For you. It would force me to do what I’m trying to do now. What I’ve been trying to do for years.”

“And that is?”

Without skipping a beat, he answered. “Apologize. I could blame it on my immaturity, and I’d like to, but I knew you were a virgin and I did it anyway.” I couldn’t help but wince, hearing it described again. Even with no details. “I knew what I was taking from you. I just never stopped to consider your feelings at all. In that moment, or even after...until…”

I leaned against the door, waiting for him to continue. He wiped the remaining tears from his eyes, collected himself, then said in a quieter voice, “Until the same thing happened to me in college. One of the captains on the gymnastics team toyed with me all freshmen year. He knew I had a crush on him, to the point where we were sexting almost daily, but not doing anything in person. It came to a head sophomore year when he finally bent me over the pommel horse after practice one day and well, you get the idea. He stopped talking to me after that, the texts too. When I tried to speak to him, he just told me we both got what we wanted and now it was time to move on.”

He sat on the desk, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “About three seconds after he said that I immediately thought of you, of us, back then. And how you must’ve felt. I’m sorry to say it took that for me to realize, but it did. I don’t know if that makes it worse or better, but I knew at that moment that I had wronged you. I’m sorry for what I did to you. I’m sorry for what I took from you. I’m sorry for any negative effects it’s had on the rest of your life. And lastly, I’m sorry for taking so long to tell you all of this. It’s not easy to own up to the worst thing you’ve ever done to another human being.”

I knew my brain was processing everything it just heard. I knew I should say something, but I didn’t know what. What he took was something I could never get back.

Truthfully, Luke had helped me through my issues related to that. Other than my anger, Luke and I had already dealt with and moved past everything else. And after his apology, I’m not sure how much anger was left.

“Not sure what to say, but after all these years, the apology helps. And I’m not gonna lie - not that I’d wish it on anyone, but it already happened - knowing you went through something similar does make me feel better. Does that make me a bad person?”

“You could never be a bad person, Cam.”

“After admitting that, I’m a bit surprised to hear you say that.”

“I didn’t just go around fucking everyone in high school. I picked you for a reason, Cam. I liked you. I was just a fucking hormonal teenager that had no idea what he was doing, and I thought if I told you about feelings and shit like that, you’d no longer think I was this cool upperclassman.”

“You mean to tell me that this could’ve been avoided if some dumbass kid talked about his feelings?”

Zane answered timidly, “Yes?”

I hated to admit that if Zane was a more mature teenager, it was possible he and I would be together, and the rest of my life as it was might never have happened.

I opened the door to head back into the locker room to gather the rest of my things for practice, but Noah, Woodward, and the rest of the guys were gathered outside and in my way.

“What’s going on, Cam?” Woodward asked.

I sighed, knowing he wouldn’t drop it and Noah wouldn’t either, and the rest of the team would just pester someone until they found out everything anyway. I didn’t have anything to hide, though it was intensely personal.

“Do you wanna tell everyone, Zane? I didn’t mean to make this into a production, but I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

“I mean, it’s embarrassing as fuck, but if you don’t mind everyone knowing, I don’t. I think we’re good now, right?”

I nodded in agreement.

“Will you just tell us already?!” Ezra was practically shimmying in anticipation.

“Well, basically,” I explained, “I had a huge crush on him in high school, and he pretty much just wham-bam-thank-you-Sam-ed me. He got off, didn’t care about my feelings, and ignored me until he graduated. We hadn’t seen each other since.”

“So you’re saying Zane was an asshole in high school that did what his dick told him to do?” Woodward asked.

I nodded, while Zane hemmed and hawed.

“Hey, that’s my coach you’re calling an asshole…Coach?” Ezra seemed to figure out who he was semi-yelling at halfway through his outburst.

“But you talked it over, and things are good?” Noah asked.