Page 66 of Keepsakes and Kismet

Fuck. Fuck. Not here.

“The Harvest Festival Royal Court!”

Panic invades my nervous system, and I’m swept up in a tornado of dread. My temples throb, and I reach up to apply pressure to them, like I can push whatever’s happening back inside my head. My heart pounds, and I lift my fingers to tap, trying to fight the trigger that’s yanking at me. But exhaustion covers my hands, and they feel denser than normal. Heavy.

Dull static fills my ears as the festival goes cloudy around me, and I can’t fight it anymore, so I helplessly surrender to another memory I’ve tried to suppress. A memory of him.

“Don’t tell me you’re actually going to follow through with this shit.” I laugh, watching him strut around his bedroom dressed up in a furry cape and crown.

“If Erica’s going to be the Harvest Princess, you best believe I’m going to be the Harvest Prince. I can’t let Xander sit by her during the parade.”

I shake my head. “I don’t think any girl is worth the plastic crown.”

“Like you wouldn’t do it for Sarah.”

“Speaking of Sarah, I think our anniversary is the same day as the festival.”

“You have an anniversary just for dating? Mhm. You’d throw on a cape in a second if she asked.” He puffs out his chest. “Be honest, Cal. You’re just jealous because I’m the town darling. You wish you could pull off this awesome costume.”

“You look like an idiot.”

He grins, adjusting the cape around his shoulders. “An idiot maybe, but an idiot in a crown. You’ll be at the parade, right?”

But the parade never happened.

“Hey. You okay, man?” DT’s voice cuts through the memory.

I realize my hands are shaking. “Fuck. No, I’m. Fuck⁠—”

My lungs seize, and it hurts to breathe. I need to go. Far away from this festival, and far away from DT. I step forward, but the dizziness causes me to stumble. Everyone’s probably watching me. Why did I even show my face at the festival? I knew better. Peyton will come back soon, and I’ll ruin the day, just like I ruin everything else, and she’ll never want to be with me, and⁠—

“Let’s go over there.” DT’s hand discreetly grabs the back of my elbow, steering me toward a deserted corner behind a tree to the left of the donut stand.

He sets his coat on the cold ground and tugs me down by my elbow. He sits next to me. “Breathe. In through your nose.”

I try, but it’s useless. All I can think about is how embarrassing this is while my body continues to betray me. Can’t even fucking breathe without having to think about it.

DT nudges my elbow. “Hey. I’ve been here before. We can talk about it, but not until you breathe through your nose. Out through your mouth, now.”

I blow all the air out at once.

He shakes his head. “Come on. We both know you have to go slower than that. Again.”

I inhale slowly, then exhale slowly. He does it too, syncing his breaths with mine. Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn’t. It’s hard to tell because the pain in my chest is still killing me.

“What else?” DT asks calmly.

“What… What do you mean?” I grit out in between shallow breaths.

“Is there something else you do when this happens? I like to picture three things I can see, hear, and smell.”

There’s no time to wonder how he seems to know exactly what to say. I start tapping and do my best to ground myself, trying to visualize somewhere comfortable. DT waits patiently for me to finish.

When I’m done, it doesn’t feel like much time has passed. But then I notice that the donut line only has one person in it and the royal court has left the gazebo. Even the crowd looks thinner, having cleared a bit to watch the parade. My heart rate lowers, and though I feel calmer, I’m still uneasy in front of DT.

“Sorry about this, man. I don’t usually…” I trail off. I don’t usually do this in front of people.

DT tilts his head. “Did you know that Caribbean reef squid can change colors to communicate a mood? Like, if they’re interacting with two mates at once, one half of their body can be one color, and the other half a different color.”