Page 31 of His Christmas Love Song

Jesse waits until he sees the pleased smile flit across Cameron’s face before he turns around and runs for the stairs. He’s not going to waste this opportunity. He has so many thoughts swirling around in his oversized head and he needs to get them down on paper and make some sense of them. It’s the only thing he can think of that will show Ryan just how much Jesse needs him. Just how much he wants him. Just how much he loves him.

Just please let it not be too late.

* * *

Ryan’s phone rings just as he’s about to book a ride to the airport. It’ll cost more than his plane ticket, but he’s desperate.

“Hey, Hank,” he says wearily. The numbness after his talk with Jesse is wearing off, being replaced by a soreness under his breastbone that he keeps touching. It’s as if his heartache is a tangible thing, something he wants to rub away, or take something to dull. But there’s no cure for what ails him, except maybe time and space, both of which he’s reluctantly forcing upon himself.

“Ryan, where are you?” Hank sounds worried.

“In the cabin, why?”

“Haven’t you noticed? It’s snowing.”

“Seriously?” The days are short this time of year, and he’d drawn the blinds in the cabin’s main room when the sun started going down. Now he pushes one up and squints against the glare on the glass to see a thin blanket of white covering everything outside. His initial instinct is to call for Jesse to come see. Jesse loves snow even more than Ryan. He's an avid snowboarder and never passes up a chance to fling a snowball in Ryan’s general vicinity. But Jesse’s not here.

“So stay there, understand?” Hank’s being strangely insistent but Ryan brushes it off.

“Actually, I was going to call you. I’m heading home tomorrow. Got a ticket on a flight out of Boston. Was going to leave before dawn, but I wanted to say goodbye first.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. We might get a foot overnight. No telling what the roads are going to be like pretty soon. You better stay put.”

Ryan imagines being trapped inside the cabin with Jesse while snow piles up outside. A day ago he might have thought that scenario could lead to their relationship changing for the better, or at least be a fertile time to work on their album. But at the moment it sounds like torture. He can’t look at Jesse and see the pity and the pain and all the other emotions that Ryan’s inflicted on him by being so stupid as to fall in love with his best friend. “No, I can’t do that.”

“I hate to tell you, but the weather isn’t going to cooperate. You can get a flight in a day or two when things clear up.”

“Then I’ll go now. The roads can’t be that bad yet.” He spots the rental car keys on the kitchen table. Jesse must have gone for another walk.

“What? No, Ryan—”

“Wait, Jesse’s with you, isn’t he? He’s at the lodge?”

“Uh. He’s at the lodge, but he’s not with me,” Hank says, sounding distracted. It almost sounds like there’s another voice whispering just out of discernible range on the phone. Is Hank lying? Is Jesse telling him what to say?

Ryan scoops the keys up without a second thought. “Tell Jesse I’m taking the SUV. I’ll pay him back later. Bye, Hank.” He hangs up, feeling only mildly guilty.

Quickly, he grabs his suitcase and his guitar case, shuts the lights off in the cabin, puts on his coat and hat. He leaves his cabin key inside and shuts the door behind him. Two minutes later he’s cleared the layer of snowfall from the SUV’s windshield and is steering it down the path, past the lodge entrance and onto the road. His phone’s been buzzing nonstop, but he doesn’t answer. Let Jesse not get what he wants for a change.

He’s two miles down the road before he realizes he’s gripping the steering wheel so tight he can feel the imprint of the leather stitching on his palms. He relaxes his hold. The roads aren’t too bad. The snow’s falling harder than he expected, and he didn’t think to check the SUV’s tires before he got in the vehicle, but it’s a luxury rental, they’re probably fine. He can outrun this storm, get to Boston, sit up in the airport all night for all he cares.

He’s almost out of Columbia, heading for the road that’ll take him to the Interstate, when the snow starts coming down even harder. He flips the wipers on full blast, but visibility isn’t good. In fact, it’s downright shitty. His high beams seem to only illuminate a few feet in front of him. He eases his foot off the gas, but his lower speed doesn’t help him as he finds himself crossing a bridge and his tires start slipping. He has a second to remember that bridges freeze before roads and then the SUV slides into the railing with an ominous crunching shudder.

FIFTEEN

Jesse hums, strums, and then hums again. He’s almost got it. He’s always been a fast writer—first drafts come easily to him. The hard work comes later, writing the music, refining the song into something unique and essential. Tonight, he has so many feelings coursing through him the words have been bubbling up faster than he can get them down on paper, but the music is coming fast, too, a simple tune that he’s pouring his entire soul into.

Ryan wrote him a song, and Jesse’s returning the favor. It’s the only way he can think of to break through this impasse and show Ryan how he feels. He has to speak Ryan’s language, which means music.

He runs through the fingering on his borrowed guitar. Should he repeat the last verse? He frowns, sings the last few lines under his breath. He’s written in high-pressure situations before, but never like this. It feels like his entire future rests on getting these words just right. At the same time, he’s certain he can get through to Ryan. Hank’s right—they are meant to be together. Jesse knows that now. He wishes he hadn’t spent so many years telling himself he couldn’t—shouldn’t—want Ryan that way. But they have their entire lives stretching ahead of them. He can’t help smiling when he thinks of all the amazing things they have to look forward to. He can’t wait to take Ryan out on their first proper date. He wants to spoil him, to make him never regret giving Jesse a chance.

He knows he’s assuming awful lot, and he wouldn’t blame Ryan for deciding Jesse’s just not worth the trouble, but he knows Ryan and his big heart. Whether Jesse deserves a second chance or not, Ryan’s always been a soft touch. Jesse resolves to earn Ryan’s grace from now until the end of time.

He’s running through the beginning of the song again when someone starts hammering on the door to Cameron’s room. What the hell? Jesse gets up—the door’s rattling on its hinges with the force of the blows when he opens it to find Cameron on the other side, fist raised as if to knock again.

“Jesse, Jesus, we’ve been calling you,” Cameron says, straining to catch his breath.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Jesse feels cold and he doesn’t know why.