Page 26 of His Christmas Love Song

Jesse’s eyes widen. He wasn’t expecting that. “You sure you don’t—”

“You don’t know what I want,” Ryan says icily.

Right. He shoots Cameron a weak smile. “Sorry, man. Later?”

“Later,” Cameron repeats. He looks between them for a beat. “For what it’s worth, I hope you guys figure it out.”

Jesse shivers, and not just from the cold air that comes inside as Cameron leaves the cabin.

With Cameron gone the cabin feels smaller than ever. Ryan’s normally soft-as-your-favorite-blue-jeans eyes look hard as glass as he stares Jesse down.

Jesse doesn’t know what to do. He’s good at making Ryan feel better when it’s an annoying record company employee or a tricky lyric giving him problems. He doesn’t know how to solve the problem when the problem is him.

Ryan points at the couch. “Sit.”

Jesse does as he’s told, sinking onto the cushion where just last night he’d kissed Ryan. He closes his eyes. He couldn’t have fucked this up any worse, could he?

“Now, listen to me,” Ryan says. “That’s all I ask. And then when I’m done, we might have to make some hard decisions. And I’ll have to live with those consequences, but it’ll be better than this, with me not in control of my own life. Okay?”

He doesn’t know what Ryan means by decisions and consequences, but it doesn’t sound good. On the other hand, what else can he do but agree? “Okay.”

“I don’t know where along the way things got so twisted that you thought you needed to be in charge of me, and I know it’s mostly my fault. When I met you, I was looking for a way out, but you gave me a way back in, a way back to my life that made it…I don’t know. Make sense. Making music made sense if you were making it with me. My life made sense with you there. And I guess it worked out okay for you, too—I mean, you got what you wanted. A music career. Fans. Money. Your songs on the radio. I had all those things, but they didn’t mean anything until you joined the ride, Jesse.”

Jesse’s stunned. He knows he helped Ryan, but he hadn’t realized Ryan felt this way.

“And all of that’s great. It’s more than great. I’m grateful for all of it. But somewhere I got it in my head, or you got it in your head, that I couldn’t do it without you.”

Ryan’s been looming over him, but now he falls into the armchair heavily. “You’ve always been better than me at, well, everything, Jesse. I shouldn’t have started relying on you so much. Maybe then you wouldn’t feel like you literally have to get me a date. And maybe I’ve had some messed-up reasons for letting it get this far.” He glances at his notebook, perched on the edge of the chair, then at Jesse. “But that stops now. I’ve been really scared, and confused, and it’s all my damn fault. I’ve been avoiding this, but it’s probably what needs to happen. We need to spend some time apart, Jesse.”

“What? Why?” The panic crawls up Jesse’s throat and he wants to jump in with a dozen reasons why not. But this is Ryan’s show, and he forces himself to wait.

“Because that song I was writing? An old-fashioned love song,” Ryan says scornfully, “it wasn’t for Hank, or Cameron, or some guy I haven’t met yet. It’s for you, Jesse. I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time. And it’s been really hard—” Ryan stops and takes a shallow breath and when he speaks again Jesse can hear the tears thickening his voice and it just about breaks his heart. “I don’t think it’s good for me to be around you right now. I’m sorry.”

Jesse feels like he’s trapped in one of those dreams where you’re underwater and can’t break the surface. He’s drowning in their Vermont cabin, unable to draw oxygen into his lungs. Dizzily, he lowers his head between his knees, vaguely registering Ryan’s voice and then his presence, dropping onto the ground next to him, rubbing circles onto his back until he can finally take a full breath.

“It’s okay, you’re okay.” Ryan murmurs nonsense and Jesse grabs onto his shirt, as if he can physically keep him from leaving. He tries to even out his breathing, and all he can smell is Ryan, and then his eyes burn because he’s scared this is the last time Ryan will let him be this close.

“I’m—” Jesse tries and has to clear his throat and start over. “I’m so, so sorry that you’ve been hurting because of me.” That’s the most important thing, Jesse thinks. “When all you want is for someone to be happy and then you find out they’re unhappy because of you, well, that’s pretty rough. So I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Ryan says automatically. “You didn’t know.”

Jesse lifts his head. Ryan lets his hand that had been resting on Jesse’s back fall away. They’re as close as they were last night, and Jesse’s hand is still clutched in Ryan’s shirt. He doesn’t want to let go. Not yet.

“I didn’t know,” he agrees, “but I shouldn’t have done some of the things I did. I was an idiot. I want you to know that I never thought I knew better than you. I never wanted to control your life. I just—you’re so amazing, and you’re capable of amazing things, and I just thought that we were brought together for a reason and maybe that reason was so that I could help you, I don’t know, be your amazing self? I guess that sounds self-aggrandizing in a way, but that’s not how I thought about it.”

“I know, Jesse. You’ve got a big heart and you included me in it, and it worked. It worked.” Ryan’s mouth twists. “But you forgot something. You’re amazing, too. And I couldn’t help falling for you. I wish I could have. I know my feelings are fucking everything up. Which is why it’s better if I just—”

“Wait. I just have to ask you something,” Jesse says, hoping he’s not about to make a huge mistake. “After how I acted, with the set ups and coming here and trying to, well, I honestly was only trying to make you happy and I see now that I went about it completely the wrong way, but after all of that do you think you can forgive me?”

Ryan sighs. His eyes look soft again and Jesse thinks that’s a good sign. “Of course, Jess. I forgive you.”

Jesse’s shoulders feel like two boulders have shifted off of them. “Thanks, Ryan.” He lets himself think about the implications of the other things Ryan said. His feelings. Ryan said he’s in love. With him.

Suddenly, Jesse registers exactly how close they are. He slowly lets go of Ryan’s shirt, runs his hands over the wrinkled cloth, inadvertently, or perhaps not so inadvertently, running his hands over Ryan’s chest. He pauses, letting his hands linger there. He looks up. Ryan’s frowning.

“So, um. You know how I kissed you last night?”

Ryan nods.