Page 21 of His Christmas Love Song

He peeks his head out of his room cautiously. Ryan’s door is closed. Maybe he’s still asleep. He creeps into the living room. The coffee table where they ate dinner and watched the movie last night is clear. Not even an empty beer can betrays last night’s activities. Their guitars are neatly stowed away. The kitchen is cleaned up, too. He opens the fridge to see a box of leftovers. He’s strangely relieved to see them, otherwise he might start thinking he’d imaged the last twenty-four hours.

There’s one more thing—a note written in Ryan’s familiar blocky hand.

Having brunch with Hank. See you later. —R

Jesse’s glad Ryan is communicating with him. But his relief at the apparent normalcy conflicts with a flare of jealousy. Ryan’s seeing Hank—Jesse belatedly remembers he’d mentioned his plans last night. So it’s not like Jesse kissing Ryan drove him to see the doctor. And Ryan said it wasn’t a date. But it’s something. Jesse can feel it. And one bad, nonconsensual kiss doesn’t change the fact that Ryan should be with someone as awesome as Hank.

Jesse stomach roils. He imagines going alone to the lodge for breakfast and the queasiness gets worse. He sets about making himself a cup of coffee in the kitchenette, mind racing as fast as his pulse. What on earth is he going do?

He sits down with his mug in the living room and stares out the cabin’s big picture window onto the woods beyond. A hike sounds good. He needs to clear his head. And yet, the uneasy feeling about Ryan won’t go away. He could text him, right? Just to make sure he’s okay.

Or maybe he should give him some space. He’s with Hank, who’s basically the most competent person they know. The nightmare was only in Jesse’s head. Ryan’s fine. Jesse got to him in time six years ago. He’d escaped with nothing worse than a concussion.

Jesse remembers Ryan visiting him in the hospital when he was recovering from the surgery on his arm. He’d been so serious. So seriously beautiful, Jesse remembers, even through the haze of pain meds. Ryan had said if there was anything he could do for Jesse, Jesse only had to ask. Jesse had asked him for the thing he wanted most in the world. He had no idea then that the greatest thing Ryan was giving him wasn’t an entryway into the music business.

He was giving Jesse his best friend.

So what if Jesse suddenly wants Ryan with a fierceness that shocks him? It doesn’t matter. He won’t hurt Ryan ever again. He hopes Ryan can forgive him that one drunken kiss. He can’t lose his best friend. He’ll spend the rest of his life making it up to him if he has to. Their relationship doesn’t have to change. He can live with keeping his feelings to himself. He’ll have to.

ELEVEN

“More coffee?”

Ryan considers Hank’s offer, then decides he’s had enough coffee to keep him awake until Christmas. “No, thanks.”

Hank nods and puts the pot down. They’re sitting in Hank’s kitchen, having put away half of the spinach mushroom quiche Hank liberated from the lodge’s kitchen and a couple of blueberry muffins apiece. Hank’s been telling him about work at the clinic and about some plans he and Emma have for the lodge, while Ryan does his best to pay attention and not think about the thing he’s been thinking about for the past twelve hours straight.

“So are you going to tell me what happened or are you going for the championship in repressing your feelings?” Hank asks dryly.

Ryan twists his mouth into a rueful smile. “Sorry. I’m trying not to be bad company—”

“Ryan, you could never be bad company,” Hank says lightly. “But I can tell there’s something on your mind.”

“Jesse kissed me last night.” He blurts it out before he can reconsider.

Hank blinks. “Oh. Well—that’s good, right?” He sounds slightly puzzled, but not hurt.

Ryan realizes he’s been holding back from talking to Hank about this even though Hank’s been nothing but supportive because he doesn’t want to hurt the guy. He still feels bad about kissing him for the wrong reasons the other night, though Hank truly doesn’t seem to be holding it against him.

“It was—weird,” Ryan answers. He’s not sure he didn’t half dream it. “We were working on the album, and then Jesse went out and came back with takeout and beer. I was working on the song, the one, well, for him.” His cheeks warm.

Hank smiles. “You’re writing him a song. That’s great. How’s it coming?”

Ryan considers. He usually plays the early versions of his songs for Jesse, who gives him notes. It might not be a bad idea to run the song by another pair of ears. He certainly doesn’t want to serenade Jesse with something half-baked, not if he’s going to tell Jesse how he feels. “It’s going all right, but it needs a polish. Would you be up for listening to it and telling me what you think?”

Hank chuckles. “I can’t pretend I have any talent for anything musical.”

“But you’re an amazing listener,” Ryan says honestly. “I’d love your opinion.”

“Then I’d love to hear the song.” Hank’s so easy and so kind and Ryan wishes again that he wasn’t in love with someone else.

“So how did the kiss happen?” Hank asks. “I guess it didn’t lead to talking, or anything else for that matter, or you probably wouldn’t be so distracted.”

“Uh, well, we watched a movie and Jesse got kind of sloppy on the beer, and we were on the couch, and he just said, well, he didn’t say much. And then he kissed me. Then he ran to his room and slammed the door. I haven’t seen him since.” Ryan’s heart is beating fast from reliving the brief encounter.

“Holy hell you two are hopeless,” Hank grumbles. “You need to talk to each other. Why didn’t you go after him?”

“I don’t know.” Ryan’s been asking himself the same thing. “I don’t know why he kissed me, but what if he did it as an experiment and never wants to do it again?”