Page 12 of His Christmas Love Song

Hank directs him through the door at the other end of the living room, putting a hand on the small of his back briefly. Ryan finds the bathroom and splashes cold water on his face, looking at himself in the mirror.

He can’t keep doing this to himself, taking every scrap of affection from Jesse and wishing it was more, all while Jesse’s pushing him into the path every available guy they meet as if he’s a loser who can’t get his own date.

He closes his eyes and wracks his brain. There’s got to be a solution. He’s tried wishing away his feelings. He’s tried working them out in his songs. He’s tried ignoring Jesse and failed miserably; he can’t make it six hours without texting him or responding to one of his texts.

He opens his eyes and glares at his reflection. If Jesse wants him to be in a relationship so much, then maybe he should just do it. Jesse’s not vying for the job of his boyfriend, so he might as well force himself to move on. And if Ryan being with someone would make Jesse happy, well, Ryan’s maybe just sick enough to want to do it for that reason alone.

He thinks about Hank’s eye crinkles and his attractive smile and his beard. He imagines kissing Hank, feeling his beard scrape his chin, tickle his mouth. It’s not a repulsive image. Ryan may be in love with someone else, but it’s been so long since he’s been with someone that the idea of making out with a man as objectively appealing as Hank is kind of working for him.

He takes a deep, measured breath. “You can do this,” he says, then he returns to the living room, picks up the bottle of bourbon Jesse brought and pastes on a grin. “You want to crack this sucker open, Hank?”

Hank chuckles. “I can’t get too deep into that bottle, but I’d be glad to have a snort.”

Jesse claps his hands. “Now we’re talking.”

“Actually, Jesse—didn’t you need to go call your mom?” Ryan lifts his eyebrows meaningfully at him.

“Huh?”

Ryan glances at Hank, then at the door. “Yeah. You said you’d call your mom before it got too late. Don’t worry about me, I’ve got a key to the cabin.”

Jesse nods slowly at first, then faster as he picks up what Ryan’s putting down. “Right. Yeah, I better go. Thanks for everything, Hank.”

“It’s been so great to catch up with you, Jesse. Thanks for coming.” Hank hugs him and Jesse claps him on the back. He finds his jacket and then he’s glancing at Ryan.

“Well, uh. See you later, Ryan. Don’t keep Hank up too late,” he says on short laugh.

And then he’s gone and it’s just Ryan and Hank in the cozy living room.

Ryan screws up his courage. “Now, how about that bourbon?”

SIX

Jesse lets himself into the cabin and fumbles to turn on a lamp. The place feels empty and cold, even though it’s probably thirty degrees warmer than the outside air. He hadn’t exactly planned on coming home alone, and now he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s too keyed up to go to sleep. He glances at his phone. He supposes he could actually call his mama.

Why is he so out of sorts, anyway? The evening had gone well, and if Ryan sometimes seemed withdrawn, that was just Ryan lately. But then it was like a switch had flipped and all of a sudden Ryan had practically shoved him out the door.

Good. Right? Ryan’s an adult, and if he wants one-on-one time with Hank, then who is Jesse to get in the way?

He sighs and kicks off his boots. The thing is, it’s not just Ryan and Hank catching up on old times. It’s Ryan and Hank and a bottle of bourbon. That implies they’ll be drinking. Ryan gets looser when he drinks. Less inhibited. Touchy-feely, too.

Jesse wrenches open the buttons on his shirt, cussing when one pops off and skitters across the floor. But why should he care? This is what he’s been hoping for, what he’s been, okay, yes, scheming, to make happen for weeks. Months, really. Ever since the intermittent sadness in Ryan’s eyes became more of a permanent feature.

So why does the thought of Ryan and Hank sharing a bottle of the good stuff make his stomach hurt? Maybe he really is sick? Except he was fine at dinner. Ryan’s eyes had been bluer than blue tonight, set off nicely by the shirt Jesse suggested he wear. It had been great to reconnect with Hank, and the meal was delicious.

No, he’s not getting sick. He’s just…worried about Ryan. Yeah. That’s it. Ryan seemed a little out of sorts when they were having dessert and then all of a sudden he made a move on Hank and the whole thing seems out of character.

Except, is it? Ryan tends to go for guys he knows and trusts instead of one-night stands with strangers. He must feel comfortable with Hank, comfortable enough to let his guard down and drink with the man. And maybe more.

Jesse’s suddenly assaulted by the intrusive mental picture of Ryan and Hank, drinking and laughing and talking. Kissing. He can’t seem to stop picturing the two of them together and it’s weird. He’s never imagined Ryan’s hookups before. But this time, it’s all he can think about.

He finishes undressing, not bothering to look for his lost button, puts on sleep clothes. He’s not tired, but he doesn’t want to hang out in the common area of the cabin as if he’s waiting up for Ryan or anything. That’s ridiculous. He leaves a light burning for him, though, and then climbs into bed with his phone and finds a mindless comedy to watch. He starts yawning halfway through and even though Ryan’s not home yet, he forces himself to be a grownup, turns off his phone, and closes his eyes.

He feels like he’s only been asleep for a few minutes, but the bedside clock shows it’s after midnight when he wakes to a shuffling noise outside his door. He listens for a minute, his heart racing. The sounds resolve themselves into someone trying to be quiet and failing. Ryan must be back.

Jesse shuts his eyes again, debating whether to go out there or not. He kind of wants to make sure Ryan’s okay, but he has no reason to think he wouldn’t be. Besides, there’s something hot and twisting in his gut that doesn’t want to see Ryan if he’s just hooked up with Hank.

The noises stop anyway, and Jesse slowly relaxes back into bed. He’ll see Ryan in the morning and if anything happened with Hank, Ryan can tell him then.