Page 93 of Save Me

“Alone.”

The word cuts into my chest like a knife.

Alone? Maddox doesn’t want me with him? The word feels like sharp blades of ice sinking into my veins.

“Mads, I–”

But Maddox is already going down the steps. The panic floods my system, and without thinking, I chase after him. “Wait, let me come with you.”

“Did you not hear me? Or are you choosing not to listen?”

The anger in his voice stops me in my tracks in the kitchen. My first response is pain, my chest contracting.

Maddox’s face twists, almost like he’s in pain.

I’m not ignoring Maddox! I care about him! I don’t want him outside alone in the middle of the night after something so traumatizing.

Anger and panic hit me, and I take one step forward to stop Maddox. As soon as I do, I’m hit with a flashback to when I tried to stop Maddox from leaving before. The terror and anger in his eyes. How I promised myself to never control him again.

Maddox is at the damaged front door now. He opens it, crackling over broken glass, then steps outside.

Stop him, freaking stop him!

Every cell in my body operates at full capacity, telling me to run after him.

No. I can’t do that to him.

I hold myself back, body trembling with a little voice in my head screaming that I’m screwing things up.

Why is he leaving me? Is he mad that I killed Arthur? Why would he be mad about that? Did he still have feelings for him?

Surely not.

I stand there, shaking.

My brain spirals just as I see a blue blur move past me toward the front door. Princess.

“No.” I chase after Princess, snatching him up before he leaves. Only, the door won’t shut enough to secure Princess inside.

So, being helpless to do anything else, I hug Princess and step onto the front step, sitting down there. My mind is so full and busy, and I don’t know what’s happening.

I’m failing him. Maddox can’t make good choices right now, so I need to make them for him.

Right?

I hold Princess tighter and let the scary feelings overwhelm me. I cry into his fur. I want to make everything better. Make Maddox better. Relieve this crushing pain in my chest.

And as I cry, I realize that there is a crushing pain in my chest, too. The pain screams I did everything, and I’m still not enough. That once again I’m asking Maddox to stay to make myself feel better. To make me feel chosen.

Princess nuzzles my torso, sending pain straight to my lungs. It hurts, but it breaks me out of my spiral.

I want to run after Maddox. Need to.

That would make me like Arthur.

I want to stalk him. To make sure I could step in if anything happened.

But that would mean apologizing again, and an apology without change isn’t worth anything.