Page 68 of Save Me

For a minute, we’re locked in an awkward silence where neither of us is acknowledging the elephant in the room as I pull out my phone. And boy, do I want to. I have to clamp my mouth shut so hard I hear my teeth grind, and a bead of sweat rolls down my side.

“Sent.”

“Thank you.” Maddox’s grip on his arms softens a fraction. I avoid looking at his eyes so he doesn’t feel pressured. I can’t help but notice how toned his forearms are. Because of course I’m being a freaking hoe when he hates me, but I can’t help it.

“Where is your cleaning spray?”

Cleaning spray? My brain buffers for a second. Oh. Right. “Closet by the door.”

Maddox walks toward it, and I want to reach out and stop him. He shouldn’t have to work for something I’d give him anyway. But at the last minute, I stop myself, my arm half raised. I know what I want. But what does Maddox want?

Without a doubt, I know he doesn’t want an unexpected touch.

So I sit stiffly on the barstool and hold myself there.

Letting Maddox clean while I just sit here is quite possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I want to just hand him the cash in my wallet and watch the relief on his face. But that wouldn’t bring him relief, would it? No, it would make him feel bad, and that’s not what I want. Although it doesn’t look like Maddox is feeling relieved anyway. Anytime he walks past me, he stiffens. Like he’s trying to ice me out.

Which he clearly is.

But I won’t let him. Maddox can do what he wants. Maybe I won’t scare him with touch or kill his ex, but I’m still going to like him, and he can’t change that.

He can’t change that!

He’d like to. Why? Doesn’t everyone want love? But as I sit there, a horrible sadness falls over me–Maddox doesn’t want love because he thinks abuse is love.

I wonder if he thinks I’m trying to hurt him? Not because I’m trying to hurt him, but because that’s all he knows?

Maddox’s voice startles me out of my thoughts. “Is Glock or Smith and Wesson better?”

I glance up. Huh?

Maddox turns to look slightly at me. Like he cares about my answer.

I perk up. “Oh, uh, it depends on what you’re looking for. Glock for a beginner, but Smith and Wesson’s are pretty.”

Maddox says nothing, and my mind races. Is he getting a gun? Suddenly, excitement burns through me. Oh, freak yeah! I love it! Hot. Maddox with a gun? And now all I can picture is his grumpy self holding a gun, and honestly, it makes me hard. Plus, with a gun, he can protect himself. Holy Toledo, what a good idea! Why didn’t I think of that?

I want to jump out of my seat and grill Maddox, but I stop myself. Don’t overreact.

Is he going to kill Arthur?

Fudge, what if we got matching guns? How cute would that be?

Maddox stalks out the door and shuts it, leaving me alone in the house. For a second, I feel that pain in my chest. Until I realize he didn’t give me that look. In fact, he walked out of the house with his head held high.

A freaking win if you ask me.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

I’m not trying to be downstairs when Maddox comes home, swear on my favorite tattoo–which is the sugar glider, currently. It’s in the ugly, itchy phase, but I love it anyway because it was the first time Maddox talked to me of his own free will.

While I was trying to distract myself from literally everything Maddox, I found a cute video of a raccoon. Naturally, I fell down the rabbit hole of wondering whether you can have raccoons as pets and if they get along with skunks, and then I realized I was hungry and went downstairs for a snack when Maddox came in the door.

And now I’m standing at my fridge, awkwardly frozen, feeling like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar. In my own house.

Maddox startles a little when he sees me. “Hey.”

“Hey.” I glance down and see a gun case, and I immediately get excited. “Oh, you got one!” I peer at the black case. “Glock?”