Page 64 of Save Me

“The dog found help. Have you?”

I don’t remember much of the rest of the session. When it’s done, I stomp to my car. The therapist doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Of course I’m not just trying to save the dog because I can’t save myself. What a stupid idea. That dog wanted me.

I slam the door.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

Okay, so confession: there is one little, itty-bitty thing I didn’t tell Maddox about. One teeny tiny minuscule thing.

There might be a tracker in Princess’ collar. I put it in there after I lost him.

And if you think that’s bad, I’m gonna lose you now ‘cause I do happen to be a few fields away.

I pulled off on the side of the road when I saw the tracker stop moving. At first, it freaked me out. Is that where Arthur lives? Does he have something over Maddox’s head to keep him coming back?

Yeah, yeah, I get it. If Maddox catches me doing this, any hope of a relationship is over. But if Arthur catches Maddox, I’m terrified that it will have the same outcome, only Maddox will be dead.

The thought makes my stomach turn over.

Although there is a little tiny part of my brain that’s screaming I’m being dramatic. I shut that part up because I’d rather be dramatic and protect those I love than be apathetic and watch them walk themselves into a place where they could get hurt, or worse. I’ll save Maddox, even if he won’t save himself.

I drum my fingers on the wheel, my clothes soaked in sweat. I am not the right person to be playing this role. The obsessive boyfriend on TV is always this dark-haired, jacked, macho man who knows exactly what to do, and their lover always views them as the hero. Instead, I’m about to throw up. I didn’t know what to bring besides energy drinks, and Maddox definitely doesn’t consider himself my boyfriend. If I throw up, maybe for that moment I’ll look like I have those washboard abs though…

I’m broken from my thoughts by a car driving past, and my heart leaps into my throat. Is that him? Did he turn around? I scramble for my phone.

The tracker hasn’t moved. How current is this thing? I refresh, and the tracker stays in the same spot.

What is he doing?

I shift, peeling the shirt off my back with a slick sound.

I called Logan earlier, and he told me something along the lines of this-isn’t-a-movie-you-can’t-just-whack-someone-with-no-planning-in-a-suburbia-full-of-Karens and if-I-wanted-it-done-quicker-why-don’t-I-do-it-myself. Then Ronan hopped on and said, “Yee-haw, I like your style, tattoo boy,” and asked if we could use Princess, to which Dakota said, “Fuck no, he’s too recognizable.” They bickered together until I hung up the phone.

I think of just killing Arthur myself, and I still feel nothing but a sense of rightness. But then I think about Maddox’s reaction tonight, and that twisting in my gut starts. He hated it. And I hate doing things that upset Maddox.

The guilt roils in my gut. I should have told him. I should have been honest from the start. I should have asked him how he felt. I was just afraid! Afraid of what is happening now…that he’d hate me for it.

And looky here. He still hates me, and Arthur is still fine, kinda like what happened with Tyler, too. She hated me, and she stayed stuck.

I drop my head back against the seat. Freaking heck.

All kinds of emotions bubble up in me that are hard to name. The one that keeps popping up is that it isn’t fair. It’s not freaking fair. Injustice shouldn't exist. Things shouldn’t be the way they are. Maddox shouldn’t have to live with that, and Tyler shouldn’t have had to either. Why couldn’t I just save them both?

Tears well up in my eyes and start spilling over. I hate the feeling that I can’t do anything. Because I can. I can make it better!

My heart hurts too much to cry again.

Why do I do this? Why do I keep chasing after people who want nothing to do with me?

Because, deep down, you’re trying to save yourself.

What the heck?

I stare at the dark road. Little bugs fly in front of the headlights in the dusty summer evening. It’s like what the therapist said so long ago is here again, loud and clear.

But I don’t have to save myself. I’m not in an abusive relationship. My life has been good. For the most part, anyway. I mean, my parents didn’t love me, but whose parents do?