Page 102 of Save Me

I squeeze my eyes shut. This is mortifying.

The needle touches my skin again, the buzzing filling the silence. He has to feel harassed or demeaned. I can’t believe I allowed this to happen.

“Sorry,” I grunt.

“Sorry?” Micah squeaks. “What do you mean?” Then he glances at my groin. “Oh, that? So you’re into pain, too? This is kinda like the best day of my life.”

Is he mocking me? I open my eyes to look at him. Micah’s cheeks are pink, and his lashes flutter.

“I mean like, everyone that I’ve been with before has all been like super macho top, so they’re always giving, not receiving.” Micah’s talking fast. “Not that I want to be giving all the time, it’s just I didn’t think anyone understood.” He glances up at me, eyes wide. “I mean, I’m a bottom, don’t worry, I’m not asking to top you all the time!” Now his face gets even redder. “I… Wow, this is coming out all wrong.” He goes back to the tattoo.

My stomach does a weird flip at the fact that he assumes I’m a stone top. Do I give off that energy? Because if so, I’m a fraud because I’ve never topped anyone before. My stomach does a weird flip because he’s talking about fucking me. Regularly.

“I get it,” I say, voice gravelly. “About the pain.”

“It’s so good, right?” Micah dips the needles in the ink by the bed, then goes back to me. “Just makes everything better, you know?”

I nod. The heat in my cheeks has reduced, and my breathing has slowed.

“What else do you like?” Micah asks.

For a moment, it feels like my chest freezes up. Why is he asking? Is he going to mock me? Tell me that I’m disgusting?

“You don’t have to answer,” Micah says quickly. “Sorry, I get too excited. Foot in mouth now. I’m done talking, I’m sorry.”

I let out a breath. Micah isn’t Arthur. Not even close.

“I uh…I used to do whatever my partner wanted…” I say. The hesitation hangs in the air. God, I’m bringing up my ex, classy move. The ex we both killed. Oh my god.

“Oh my gosh, same.” Micah keeps pressing the machine into my skin, giving the most delicious tingles. “But they were all kinda lame. Just wanted to get off and didn’t worry about me. You know, typical men.”

I huff. Sounds familiar.

“What do you like?” I ask. Will he give me this information? Willingly?

“Getting off.” Micah grins, then says, “No, for real though, I like knowing that my partner is having a good time while they also make sure that I’m having a good time. I don’t know, that connection is so hot.”

I think I know what he’s talking about. Occasionally, Arthur and I had it at the beginning. Just that feeling of intimacy and togetherness. I forgot that was a thing, actually.

There’s a pause so long that I want to close my eyes. Close my eyes and run from the discomfort. I’ve never done this before. Pretended people acted like they do in the movies. Like Micah actually wants…intimacy or whatever.

Micah wipes my skin again, and I’m jerked back to the current moment.

“I’m trying to be good,” Micah says.

Be good? I glance at him.

“I expect a round of applause.” He keeps inking my skin. “I’m keeping my mouth shut.”

My chest tightens. Why? Is it bad? Something I missed? Is this where the happy script takes a turn?

“Oh, it’s not bad, I’m just not sure you’re ready to hear yet.”

My chest gets even tighter. “What?” I think I might be sick.

“I was going to say that I’d let you top me.”

All the air is sucked out of the room. Did all the air get sucked out? Because I can’t breathe.