Page 65 of Silent Damage

There are only six inches between our beds. All I have to do is reach out and touch him.

I inch my hand closer, but I stop at the edge.

Crossing the divide feels like…something.

I don’t know what, but it feels like something I won’t be able to walk back from.

But I do it anyway.

I reach across and rest my hand on his bed. The space between our hands feels electric.

My hand moves a little closer.

Then a little more.

And then I finally do it. I hold his hand and, without even realizing it, the tears fall.

Relief.

That’s what I feel. That’s what I always felt when I was close to him.

An overwhelming sense of relief.

I could stay like this forever.

That realization hits me like a cold shower.

I think about what that would mean…being here with Gabe forever…

What would I do? Wait for him to come home while I try to avoid Doug all day? Could I actually live across the road from that asshole?

And what would I do with my life? Work at a factory like Doug? A restaurant? Try to get a job at Torren’s shop?

I want to fucking be something!

And what if Gabe hurts me again?

I can’t let that happen.

No. I can’t afford to feel relief. If I’m gonna make something of myself, I need to feel hungry.

Ruthless.

I rip my hand away, then rise from the bed.

My feet pad across the sticky, disgusting trailer, and I throw my body on the couch.

This is where I’ll stay until I can afford a spot of my own.

Tomorrow, I’m going to the Kitty Cat Club.

I’ve thought about it a lot since meeting Angie.

That’s what I want.

Power.

Respect.