Page 3 of Silent Damage

This is my fault.

I’d rather say nothing than blame it on her.

Gabe (20: Two Years Later)

Nothing can really prepare you for the moment your mom gets out of prison for something you did. My breathing is shallow, and my stomach churns.

For two years, I've lived with the guilt of knowing she's there because of me.

For two years, I haven’t had a conversation with anyone.

A few words have slipped out here and there, but only when my emotions became too overwhelming to contain.

Mom begged me to lie to the police.

I couldn't do it.

But I couldn't tell the truth either because she didn’t want me to—pleaded with me not to.

I'll never say the words, "She did it."

So I chose to be silent.

I can speak—I just don’t want to.

I don't deserve to speak.

I'm a murderer.

I'd rather stay silent than take up any more space in this world. I shouldn't be here at all. I should be the one locked away in prison.

The June sun bakes my skin as I look at the dreary gray building that’s kept my mom away from me. Doug stands beside me, sweat streaming down his face.

I can tell he’s nervous. They’ve had to build a relationship with security glass between them. They even got married in prison. It took ages to get the warden’s approval, but they managed to do it. My poor mom got married in the visitors' area of Belmont Prison.

I can tell Doug wants nothing to do with me.

He blames me for losing the love of his life for two years.

He’s not wrong.

It is my fault, and I’d do anything to go back in time and undo it—never again to close my eyes and see my father’s face, twisted with agony and betrayal, as he breathed his last breath.

There are so many things I’d do differently.

But there’s another reason why I don’t speak to Doug.

He hurt Jason.

No matter how much Jason hates me, I’ll never forgive Doug for what he did to him. If Mom loves Doug, so be it. I want her to be happy.

That doesn’t mean I have to love him.

Or even like him, for that matter.

A buzzing sound goes off at the prison’s entrance, grabbing my attention.

The door opens, and I see…