Page 87 of The Secret to Belonging

on the drive back

the cassettes stay in the glove box

no one speaks

and then it hits you

and you know

she fucked him

he fucked her

they fucked

you cannot believe how stupid you’ve been

you cannot believe they could do this to you

you contemplate opening the door

throwing yourself from the moving car

you would actually welcome the pain

anything physical to replace this mortification

this wanting to be dead

you’re going to throw up

stop the car

what? he glances at you.

are you okay?

STOP THE FUCKING CAR

it actually feels good to vomit

the violence of purging

the violation of betrayal

you wish they would just drive away

leave you here

bent over on the side of the road

puking into the snow

you’d rather take your chances

with a polar bear

than get back in the car with