Page 68 of Dark Night of the Soul

And I realized with horror…

I did that. I put that there. I made him look at me like that.

He said nothing. I said nothing.

And though he held my hand, there was a gaping hole between us I didn’t know how to cross.

A flash of memory hit me then. When he tried checking my pulse and I launched myself at him. Because something inside me had triggered that response. That instinct to attack, to hurt. To destroy.

Oh, God.

I wanted to hurt him.

But, no, that wasn’t me. It was what was inside my head. It was how they rewired my brain.

How could he sit there and look at me? Holding my hand? Why hadn’t he left me here alone?

Because I managed to stop myself? Because I—

I thought of his hands. My gaze flicked from his face to his fingers encasing mine. Long. Slender. Scarred. Corded with muscle. Hands that held a sword or a gun or any manner of weapon. Hands that destroyed.

Or touched with reverence.

Those hands had never taken more than they had to. Now they held mine.

Emotion lodged hard in my throat as my breathing turned uneven.

My gaze traveled upward to his forearm wrapped in a bandage.

I’d done that, too. Cut him. And I hated myself for that.

Heat pounded the backs of my eyes. Burning. I blinked, trying to keep myself in check. To not break down. To be strong.

But my strength of will was waning.

I couldn’t—

My breath hitched.

He slid his other arm beneath my shoulders and gently lifted me up, pulling me to him. I buried my face in his chest. Clung to him like I was drowning and he was the only thing keeping me afloat.

I was.

He was.

We stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity. He let me use his shirt like a tissue. He never moved. He waited. He never clutched me to him with restraint. He held me. Allowed my emotions to run dry.

Then, quiet, “Do you want me to let go?”

His voice rumbled in his chest against my ear.

“No.”

One arm was still around my shoulders. I fumbled for his other hand. Searching. Reaching. Then—

He grasped my hand. Held it.

“I didn’t mean to,” I said.