Page 10 of 10 Signs You Need to Grovel

“I don’t know the first thing about kids,” I force out. “What if I’m terrible at being a dad? What if I mess him up somehow or hurt him?”

“As scary as this is for you,” Mom says evenly, “there’s only one wrong move here.”

I tongue my cracked tooth. “What’s that?”

“Doing nothing.”

I stare at her.

“Not calling Sadie is doing nothing. Running off and ignoring your family is doing nothing. Pretending you’re fine when you’re not is doing nothing. All of that only leads to loneliness and heartache.”

“But what if doing nothing is the best thing I could do for Sadie and Max? I’m not the man she knew, or the driven lawyer she expected me to become. Do I look like a responsible adult who can take care of another human being?”

“You, Desmond, look like a man who reads books he doesn’t always enjoy just to make his mother happy and take her mind off her troubles. Does that sound like a bad man to you?”

The sentiment makes a dent in my turmoil, but she’s simplifying things. Me. My nature. I’ve apparently become a Walter who doesn’t know how to have fun. A guy who no longer laughs in the face of challenge or takes bad news well.

In the early days of WITSEC, I worried myself into a frenzy. Panicked over how Sadie was coping with my sudden disappearance, wondering just how devastated she was, unsure who she’d call when her parents dragged her into the middle of one of their fights.

Forbidden to reach out, I stomped around our house viciously, yelled more, got into bar fights, ranted that I didn’t care about the fucking cartel and fucking death threats. But I did. We were under strict orders not to contact anyone from our past. One wrong move could paint targets on all our heads, and I would not let anything happen to my brothers or Mom. But shutting Sadie out?

I didn’t know a living heart could turn to ash.

All the while, I had no clue she was pregnant with my child.

“You’ve seen her,” I say hesitantly. “Sadie seems good? And . . . Max? E said he’s a sweet kid but didn’t mention much else.”

“Max is amazing.” Mom grins the widest I’ve seen in eons. Must be a grandmother’s grin. “He’s creative and smart, although on the quiet side. And Sadie is a sweetheart, as always. She seems like she’s doing really well.”

Probably because she has a man in her life. Some other guy who’s loving her and raising our son, giving her the family love she never had.

A tornado of emotion whips through me. “I just . . .” I look at my stalwart mother, barely able to speak through this suffocating ache. “I loved her so much, Ma.”

So goddamn much.

The creases by her mouth deepen. “I know. What you two had was incredibly special.”

“I’ve wanted to see her for so long, talk to her. Now the idea has me nearly passing out. And that’s without adding a son into the mix.”

“Because there’s so much unfinished history between you two. I can’t promise you’ll get her back, but everything with Max is bigger than that. You have to call her. Waiting won’t make this easier.”

I work my clenched jaw and grunt.

Translation: It’s time to ditch Daniel Baker for good and figure out if Desmond Bower still exists.

“Think I’ll call her outside, but I promise to be in touch.”

“You better.”

I kiss Mom’s temple and head for the street, feeling on the electrocuted side of frazzled. There’s a small park a block down. I walk toward it, mentally talking myself up to the task. I may not be the put-together guy of my early twenties, but Mom’s right. I have taken care of her and the family in my own way. And Mirielle wouldn’t have befriended a total fuckup, even though she loves to torment me. If I can learn a thing or two about kids, I might not even be a disaster with Max.

That’s what I need. A plan. The past decade has been nothing but rash, knee-jerk decisions. Being a father will take dedication and preparedness. I have no clue how I’ll handle seeing Sadie and facing the intense emotions she inspires, but there are more important factors at play.

First, I have to call her.

I sit on a park bench and run my thumb over my phone, my heart pounding faster the longer I wait. A kid glides down a slide into his father’s open arms. My chest spasms, and my palms turn sweaty.

Taking a huge breath, I dial Sadie’s number.