Page 99 of The Tartan Thesis

His eyes go wide, and it hits me what I’ve just said. Before me.

“I just mean,” I sputter, trying to course correct, “we’re on a date. Not that we’re dating. I didn’t mean that—” I sigh, running a hand down my face as heat floods mine now. “I was so smooth until just now.”

Torin laughs. Properly laughs. “Nah, it’s okay,” he says. “It just took me by surprise. I’m not opposed to the terminology you used.”

My heart thumps so hard I can hear the blood pumping in my ears. Does that mean that we are, in fact, dating? I’m not going to press my luck and ask for clarification. Not yet…

“Okay, good,” I say. I can play this cool. “That’s… good.”

Smooth. So smooth.

“To answer your question,” he says, rescuing me, “I’ve only had one serious boyfriend. Dated for a few months here and there, but I was never in love until James.”

“Wow,” I say. “Love.”

I’ve never been in love. The way I feel about Torin is the closest I’ve ever come, but after my sputtering nonsense a moment ago, I decide now isn’t the time to mention it.

“Aye,” he says, but there’s a flicker of uncertainty, something more guarded. “At least I thought I was. Now I’m not so sure.”

“Sorry,” I say, “I don’t know why I brought this up. I’m curious, but it’s our first official date, so maybe it’s not the time.” I dab at my mouth, needing something to do with my hands, averting my eyes as I carefully place the linen back in my lap. I finally get him here on a proper date, and this is what I do with it? Why did I ask about his ex? My jumbled brain missed the memo about how to act on a first date, apparently. I want to know everything about him, of course, but he doesn’t need to relive this right now. God, I’m terrible at this.

“No, it’s alright,” he says, but he sounds unsure. “I might as well get this out.”

He takes a sip of his drink, steeling himself.

“I dated a guy named James for a year during my master’s in Inverness,” he says. “I was head over heels. I thought he was, too.”

He takes another sip, his hand shaking ever so slightly. I find one of his legs with mine under the table and press against him. He presses back, and his eyes grow distant like he’s reliving a memory as he tells me about the year they spent together.

“Then two weeks before classes began, he texted me and said he was staying in London.” He pauses. “I thought he was the one…”

I reach across the table and grab his hand, unsure if it’s the right thing to do, but his fingers curl around mine straight away. I want to support him as he talks about the shitbag who broke his heart. The shitbag I brought up. Now I’m mad at myself in addition to this James person.

“I probably should’ve seen it coming,” he says, squeezing my hand as he comes back to himself. “Even Freya knew before I did. Said he’d been using me.”

I run a thumb over his knuckles as he takes another sip of his drink. “That’s—” I start, then stop, because nothing I was about to say would be enough.

“He broke it off. Now I only hear from him if he wants help with his studies.”

My jaw tightens and I lean back, one hand still holding his, the other balled into a shaking fist under the table.

“He broke up with you via text message and still asks you to tutor him?” I ask. “Where does the rat bastard stockpile so much audacity? Does he own a warehouse or something?”

Torin laughs at my outburst, and the tension in my chest eases but doesn’t subside completely.

“Don’t worry,” he says, still chuckling. “I don’t respond to him often. When I do, I usually point him in the wrong direction.”

“You sly dog,” I say. “Good for you.”

“Anyway,” he says, mood lighter now. “This is the first date I’ve been on since then. And it’s one I didn’t think I’d ever go on.”

“Because you’re hesitant to start another relationship with a classmate,” I say, the pieces clicking into place. “Especially one from another country.”

“In part,” Torin admits, popping an olive into his mouth. “I also didn’t know what you wanted.”

“Me blowing you didn’t make it clear enough?” I ask, trying to sound like I’m kidding but actually needing the clarity.

“I sort of assumed it was a friends-with-benefits thing,” he says. “I was pleasantly surprised when you called and asked me out.”