Page 55 of Silk and Sensibility

But is this what I want?

Nestled close to him, she could smell the scent of rain and books. She was sure she could never love another man more. But as much as she wanted to be with him, it didn’t change the problem with Shen Lusi.

Even if Enze didn’t want to marry Shen Lusi, the fact that she told everyone he did meant he couldn’t extricate himself cleanly. There was no way to reveal the truth without causing damage. If Enze were to deny Shen Lusi’s claims, then she would be humiliated and he would seem heartless—and heartless was the antithesis of everything Enze was. His promise to Teacher Pang and his bone-deep kindness meant that he could never hurt his teacher’s niece, no matter how manipulative she was.

The only way to resolve the situation was for Ailin to remove herself from it.

If she truly loved Enze, she couldn’t let him keep feeling tied to her. Only by making him believe she didn’t want to be with him anymore could she free him from his conflicting loyalties. She took a deep breath, her lungs aching.

Hardening her heart, she pushed away from him, tucking her shaking hands into her sleeves. She chose her words carefully. “You’re right. You weren’t the first to ask for my hand, and you probably won’t be the last. Since your teacher’s niece is desperate to marry you while I have other options, it’s probably best for both of us if we forget about what happened at Nuolan Garden.”

As she expected, Enze looked stricken. “Ailin . . .”

She ignored the pain in her chest. This is the best solution. This was the option that would hurt the least amount of people over the long-term. “I only agreed to marry you because I pitied you, because you seemed to need my help so much, and because you didn’t want to marry Miss Mo. Now that Miss Shen wants to marry you, you obviously don’t need me anymore. You’re not who I thought you were, and I would like to never see you again.”

The rain that was threatening began to fall.

“I have umbrellas!” Meilin shouted as she ran back into the courtyard. She stopped next to Ailin. “Does this one bring back any memories?”

Ailin wiped water away from her eyes as she looked at the umbrella Meilin held out to her. It was plain as could be and hauntingly familiar. Enze’s umbrella. From their very first ill-fated meeting.

Ailin chuckled mirthlessly. She had believed the umbrella to be lost, but now she realized her sister had merely packed it away without her knowledge. She took the umbrella from Meilin. With great effort, she forced herself to smile as she pushed it, unopened, into Enze’s arms.

“I can finally return this to you, Master Fan. I believe we now owe each other nothing.”

又是春殘也，如何出翠幃？

落花人獨立，微雨燕雙飛。

As spring dies back once again,

How can I venture out to face the future?

In mist-like rain the swallows fly away in pairs,

While I stand alone among the fallen flowers.

—Poem by Wēng Hóng, Five Dynasties, transcribed by Fan Enze

Chapter 22

Meilin

Meilin did not understand why Ailin gave Enze his umbrella back and walked away from the rockery garden. What Meilin understood even less was Enze staring wordlessly after Ailin. He didn’t open his umbrella, so when his face grew wet, she couldn’t tell if it was from raindrops or teardrops.

“What did you say while I was gone?” she asked, appalled.

“It doesn’t matter now.” Enze shook his head, dejected. He was usually so warm and mild in front of her.

“At least open your umbrella. The rain is coming down so hard.” Meilin didn’t know what else to say. She had opened her own umbrella as soon as she stepped outside her room.

Enze looked up and sighed. “Could I trouble you for a favor?”

“Of course,” Meilin said, hoping to gain a better understanding of what happened.

“Can you give this purse to your mother along with a message from me? These are my savings from working since I returned to Hangzhou. I always meant to give them to your mother since it was my fault you all had to leave Nuolan Garden.”

Enze dropped the purse into her hand. She frowned at the metallic clink of silver. This sounded an awful lot like a farewell, and she didn’t like it. Ailin and Enze were supposed to work together to cut out Shen Lusi, not cut off relations with each other.