Page 46 of Silk and Sensibility

“Our feelings are not meaningless.”

“They are under Ming law.”

Meilin groaned, a low hiss like a lidded pot of boiling water. “Why are you like this? Why do you only care about laws and rules and propriety?” The glint in Meilin’s eyes hardened like forged steel. “If an official betrothal really is so important, why do you act like you’ve lost Enze to Shen Lusi already? Are you really so cowardly that you can’t admit your feelings in public?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ailin said defensively.

“Exactly. It’s like your heart isn’t even human.”

Ailin clutched her allegedly inhuman heart as she took a step back. Meilin had never said such harsh words to her, not even when they were little. They rarely fought because Ailin had tried her best to be a patient and reasonable older sister, and Meilin had generally listened to her. How had their relationship changed so much since leaving Nuolan Garden that they now openly argued with each other?

Ailin’s reflection in Meilin’s dressing table mirror looked like a ghost to her. Did her sister not see the effort she put into every day to keep her heart from breaking? Did Meilin not understand how difficult it was to smile when she felt like crying? Even today, Ailin had endured Shen Lusi’s taunting to keep the peace because she knew how much Meilin was looking forward to visiting Hanshan Temple.

Ailin’s emotions were plentiful. Keeping her longing for Enze a secret was like holding back the flooding Yellow River. Ailin didn’t think she worked any less hard than Yǔ the Great had. Did Meilin not recognize her effort? Or did she just not care?

Ailin took another step back, dropping her hand to her side. She felt cold, and it wasn’t because of the dark sky outside threatening snow. This situation with her sister was simply too much for her to handle. “I should go.”

愛一個人，總想給她更好的。但情深愈怯。

How can I even approach you when I can’t give you even the smallest fraction of everything you deserve? Especially when men much more capable than I would do anything to marry you? I can’t ask you to forgive me, knowing that I bring you nothing but problems. I have no power and no courage. Perhaps regret is my only talent.

—Unsent letter from Fan Enze to Duan Ailin

Chapter 18

Meilin

The courtyard garden was remarkably warm for early spring, so Meilin set her zither outside along with Sandy’s for their daily lesson. As her young pupil showed her the results of her practicing, Meilin’s thoughts drifted.

The trip to Hanshan Temple had not turned out as she’d hoped. Her conversation with Master Wei was lovely, but it had led to a fight with Ailin worse than any argument they’d ever had before. Meilin said things she didn’t mean; Ailin had literally walked out of the room. The tension between them was so obvious that Mama talked to Meilin about it after everyone else in the house had gone to bed.

Meilin sighed. She seemed to always be hurting Ailin lately. There was no excuse for that. She still believed Ailin was wrong for keeping her relationship with Enze a secret, but it didn’t matter. Between sisters, what mattered was not who was right, but how they made each other feel. Her damaged relationship with Ailin was a loose zither string that sounded wrong no matter how it was plucked.

“Was my playing all right, Teacher Meilin?” Sandy asked innocently.

With another twinge of guilt, Meilin realized she had missed a whole line of Sandy’s “Flowing Water.” She should have been paying more attention.

As Meilin thought of encouraging words that would not be too vague, footsteps sounded near the arched gate of the courtyard.

Master Wei appeared and walked straight to her, taking her hands in his. Hair strayed from his topknot as if he had come in a hurry. “I’m so glad I found you.”

Meilin’s mind stopped working, and her heart thumped at his touch. While she was always happy to see Master Wei, it wasn’t right to let personal matters interfere with her student’s time, especially when Master Wei seemed so agitated. She wondered what had disturbed his usually unruffled calm.

Master Wei continued without waiting for Meilin to respond. “Unfortunately, I have to leave for Hangzhou immediately. I regret not having more time to explain, but I wanted to see you one last time before I go.”

Meilin felt a flash of panic. While it was strange for Master Wei to enter her family’s private courtyard, it was even stranger for him to be leaving Suzhou so suddenly. It didn’t make sense. Not when The Romance of the Zither was set to open in a few weeks, and certainly not after their recent exchange in sentiments.

“What’s the matter? How long will you be gone?”

His smile reminded her of a spiderweb before a broom—­delicate and endangered. “Too long for my liking. I’m afraid I won’t be able to see you again for quite some time.”

“But you are coming back?” She could wait a lifetime if it meant being with the man she loved.

“I will write to you as soon as I can.” He stroked the line of her jaw.

Flames spread from the trail his fingers traced. Then Meilin remembered that Sandy was present. As she glanced toward the little girl, Master Wei’s eyes flicked away, too, and he withdrew his hand. Meilin felt both relieved and disappointed as the heat of the moment dissipated.

Master Wei took a step back and bowed. “Farewell, beautiful Meilin.”