Page 18 of Silk and Sensibility

Ailin patted her little sister on the back. “I caught your sign at dinner. Tell me everything.”

Meilin stepped back, her brows knitting together. “It’s very ugly. Are you sure you want to hear?”

Ailin steeled herself. “I won’t be able to sleep until I know, so tell me.”

“It was Fan Fulan. She came to visit Mama today and said terrible things about you and Enze.”

Ailin felt her face start to burn. Did Fulan know how she felt about Enze? How? Had Ailin behaved indiscreetly?

She had never lingered with him longer than necessary to exchange a few books or papers. After the first day they met, they’d never touched again, not even an accidental brushing of sleeves. They were more careful than that. Could Fulan see beyond actions and into her mind? The thought made Ailin’s stomach turn.

“What exactly did Fulan say?”

“Does it matter?” Meilin’s tone was defiant. “She feels threatened by how much Enze likes you. We need to stand up to her.”

Ailin took a breath to steady herself. She continued to feel hot, despite the unseasonal chill in the room. Her thoughts were a jumble. She could find hidden paths through brambles, but she hated the idea of cutting new trails. It seemed so destructive. Fulan was Enze’s flawed but beloved sister. Confronting her would likely increase conflict rather than improve the situation. Ailin had to find another way to resolve the issue.

“Perhaps there was a misunderstanding,” she said.

“About what? Enze liking you? That’s the only part of this whole situation that’s not wrong. You deserve to be with him if you love him!”

Ailin’s heart pounded. Was Meilin right? Did she deserve to marry a man she loved even if it would cause family discord? That didn’t seem right to her. Marriages were about family harmony as much as personal happiness. Regardless of how she felt about Enze, she couldn’t rest easy if his family despised her. The nausea she felt even thinking about Fulan’s disapprobation proved as much.

“Let’s stop here,” Ailin said with finality. “I don’t want to argue with anyone.”

Meilin shook her head, her eyes wide with dismay. “How can you give up so easily? Aren’t you angry at all?”

Ailin clenched her fists, grateful they were hidden under her wide, white sleeves. It would be a lie to say that she wasn’t upset. She was also embarrassed, humiliated, and scared. Fulan had caught her getting inappropriately close to Enze, and because of Ailin’s indiscretion, her mother and sisters were losing their home. How could she ever make it up to them?

Only one thing was certain. She had to make this right. Since the decision was already made, she would work with Mother to make the move to Suzhou go smoothly. She would guard her behavior carefully, so she never caused conflict in her family again. She would never think about Enze unless a formal agreement of marriage was made between their families—and she would not raise her hopes for that miracle either. Hopes, like fires, needed to be kept small, lest they burn out of control.

Ailin patted Meilin’s shoulder in a deliberate way, aiming to comfort herself as much as to assure her sister. “Don’t worry about my feelings. Since Mother didn’t want me to know about Fulan, let’s pretend this conversation didn’t happen. You and Mother did the right thing by writing to Uncle Meng. Suzhou will be a good opportunity for us.”

心緒不寧，前景不明。

Disturbing rumors have reached my ears. I’m afraid it’s all my fault and that I’ll lose her forever. I want to ask her not to leave, but I’m afraid I have nothing to offer besides my heart. I am debating what I should do. Humbly give her the chance for a better life without me? Or selfishly ask her to take a chance on me?

—Unsent letter from Fan Enze to Fan Ruoze

Chapter 6

Meilin

Telling Ailin the truth did not produce the action that Meilin hoped for nor the calamity that Mama feared. Despite knowing how terribly Fan Fulan had insulted her, Ailin chose to embrace the move to Suzhou rather than confront their sister-in-law. Though not unexpected, it was disappointing. It wasn’t fair for the family to be driven from their rightful home because of Fan Fulan, but Ailin made Meilin promise not to make a fuss over moving. Because Ailin was losing so much more than she was, Meilin didn’t want to seem like a petulant child by complaining louder.

Nevertheless, she was surprised by the speed with which Ailin worked. Within a fortnight, her sister had drawn up a list of everything that needed to be packed. Meanwhile, Meilin was still trying to reconcile herself to the idea of leaving Nuolan Garden.

Afternoon sun streamed through the papered lattice windows of Mama’s room as Meilin handed her Ailin’s list. “Mama, can you look over this? Ailin wants to know if she’s missed anything we need to pack before Uncle Meng arrives.”

“Your sister prepared this much already?” Mama marveled as she took the sheet of paper.

“She and Begonia have started to clean out her room already,” Meilin said sullenly.

Mama’s eyes moved down the list, then her forehead wrinkled with doubt. “She thinks we can move my canopy bed?”

“Why would we not take it with us?” Mama’s giant rosewood bed, carved with intricate designs of clouds, had been a gift from Father to celebrate their marriage. Meilin couldn’t imagine Mama parting with it.

“Isn’t it too big? How can anyone carry it?”