Page 14 of Silk and Sensibility

But Fan Enze sighed, more in sympathy than disagreement. “Fulan has said some things that imply she is not the gentlest household manager. I’m afraid that growing up neglected by our stepmother has made her less kind than she should be, and I worry that she has made life more difficult for your family during an already difficult time. I also worry that my arrival has added to your burden.”

“You aren’t a burden,” Ailin said reflexively. Taken aback by her own abruptness, she cleared her throat. “What I mean is, it’s not your fault.”

“Are you sure?” His voice trembled a little, like wintersweet blossoms in a snowstorm.

“Of course.” Fan Enze’s vulnerability made Ailin respond more confidently. Though she and he came from very different backgrounds, there was a familiarity about him that made her feel like she was talking to a mirror rather than a stranger. “You can’t control fate or other people’s choices, but you can try your best with what you have, which you are doing.”

Fan Enze looked down at his feet. “I’m not so sure. Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time while chasing the unattainable. . . . No one in my father’s or my mother’s line has ever passed the imperial exams, and I feel brazen for trying to be the first. I think my sister is only supporting me to spite our stepmother, who would rather have me work instead. Honestly, I don’t think either of them are confident in my chances at anything.”

Ailin was caught off guard by how raw his fears were. She didn’t think men were usually so honest with women they barely knew.

“Is that why Fulan wants you to marry Miss Mo?” She couldn’t hold back the question. The pressure of an arranged match had hung over her own head for so long that she wondered if someone else in the house felt the same way about their prospects.

Enze nodded, looking sadder than ever. “Fulan wants me to leverage a traditional marriage with the Mo family based on our parents’ old agreement, while my stepmother wants me to join them as a zhuìxù. Both ideas make me feel sick. It feels dishonorable, seeking marriage purely for advantage.”

“That’s understandable.” Ailin’s simple answer only skimmed the surface of her empathy. Enze seemed like someone who dealt with problems like she did, quiet and alone. She felt deeply for him.

“What about you?” he asked tentatively.

Ailin was surprised by his continued attention. “What do you mean?”

Enze’s face reddened. “Fulan told me that the heir of the Huang house might still be waiting for you since he doesn’t have a wife yet. She thinks it would be a good match.”

Ailin choked out a laugh at the ridiculous idea. “Master Huang might not have a wife, but I’ve heard he already has five concubines.”

“Does that cancel out the attractiveness of his fortune?”

“Most definitely. And that’s only if you think riches alone would make him attractive in the first place.”

“What do you think would make a man attractive?” Enze’s voice lowered noticeably. Though his words could be construed as flirting, his tone was serious. He held her gaze as if he truly wanted to know her thoughts.

Ailin blinked as something tugged at her heart, as if she was caught between danger and promise. Between risk and hope. She had no relationship with Enze other than Fulan’s warning to stay away from him, and yet, she felt safe with him. The way he made her want to trust him was like Daoist alchemy—magical and inexplicable.

She considered what she could say.

All her life, she had studied what was right and proper so that her behavior could be impeccable even when her thoughts strayed. Now she wondered what it would be like to speak the truths she felt rather than merely the answers she knew to be correct. If she replied candidly, she would have to admit that what she liked more than propriety, practicality, and people-pleasing was being with someone who made her feel cared for and respected. Someone like you.

她令我魂牽夢縈，

又令我患得患失。

I would compare her to a goddess, but I don’t want to incur heaven’s wrath for blasphemy. The kindness she bestows upon me is as real as ink on paper, yet I’m afraid that if I reach out for her, she’ll drift away to wherever celestial weavers dwell, away from this earthbound cowherd.

—Unsent letter from Fan Enze to Fan Ruoze

Chapter 4

Meilin

Ailin was smiling more than usual, especially when she thought no one was looking. She was smiling now as she painted tapered leaves onto a scroll of silk, perfectly capturing the elegance of the bamboo in the garden.

Meilin chuckled to herself as she let her fingers glide over her zither strings. She would have to be a fool not to notice the signs of her older sister falling in love, and Ailin clearly underestimated Meilin’s ability to play the zither while keeping an eye on the person seated next to her. After years of zither practice, Meilin could play “High Mountains and Flowing Water” flawlessly without a second thought.

As the last note of her song faded, a man walked into the bamboo garden.

“Your playing is lovely, Miss Meilin,” Enze said politely as he approached. Because he avoided looking at Ailin, his purpose was as clear as sugar syrup. He was never this nervous in front of anyone else, not while chatting with Mama and definitely not when losing wéiqí games to Ming­ming. Feeling quite generous, Meilin forgave his awkwardness since it stemmed from his admiration for Ailin.

Ailin responded to Enze’s arrival by setting her brush down. The bamboo handle settled on the porcelain brush holder with a gentle clink, but Ailin herself remained silent. She was as turtle-like as Enze when they were together. Maybe that was why they liked each other so much.