Page 149 of Protecting Love

“I don’t know if that was his motive as much as he didn’t want to sit there and listen or witness what he has before.”

She held her hand up. “First. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped on you for wanting to be there for your son. That’s wrong of me. I was just... blindsided.”

“You and me both. I should have talked to him first. I didn’t. I reacted. That’s not like me.”

“It seems both of us are acting differently than normal,” she said.

She was listening. She was giving him the courage to say it all.

“And instead of talking to him first,” he continued, his voice rougher now, “I let my fear make the call. I walked in here and asked for space because I was afraid.”

“Afraid of what?” she asked quietly. Not rubbing his face in being right over calling him a coward. But wanting to clearly understand.

He held her gaze. He’d come this far.

“Of loving someone again.” The words sat thick between them. “I thought I had this under control,” he said. “New job. New routine. You. I told myself I was handling it like I handle everything else. Strategically. Carefully.”

“Wow,” she said, her jaw falling open.

“What?”

“You sound just like me. Everything. That is what I thought too. Or maybe that is how I thought love should be and realized since I’ve met you I was completely wrong.”

“Do you love me?” he asked. He really needed to hear she did.

“Of course I do,” she said. “But you don’t strategize love. Nor a relationship. I know that now.”

He nodded his head. “You either step into it or you don’t. And when things got messy, I defaulted to pulling back. Because if I don’t fully lean in, then I can’t fully lose it. That was my thought and it was wrong.”

“Because you were afraid of getting hurt again,” she said.

“Yeah. I’m not afraid anymore though. I watched my marriage implode,” he said. “I watched my son get caught in the crossfire. And somewhere along the way, I decided I wouldn’t risk that kind of failure again.”

“You thought loving me was a failure waiting to happen?” she asked.

“No,” he said immediately. “I think loving you is the best thing that’s happened to me in years. And that’s exactly why it scares the hell out of me.”

“It scares me too. Because all those things you said. I felt that too. I did the same thing for close to the same reasons.”

“You don’t show it,” he said.

“Neither do you.”

“That’s our problem,” he said. “We’re both too good at concealing things.”

“I don’t think I’m so good at it anymore. You’ve seen more than anyone.”

“But not the important things. Not recently. I care about you,” he continued. “More than I planned to. More than I expected to. And when Lorraine said Ian would turn on me the same way… it got in my head. I panicked.”

“You don’t panic,” she said softly.

“I did.” He stepped closer. “I was wrong to push you away. Wrong to question this without even giving you the respect of a real conversation. Ian made me realize that I wouldn’t be protecting him by shutting down. I’d just be teaching him to run from something good.”

Her eyes watered now, but she didn’t look away.

“That’s a good thing to learn.”

“I don’t want time,” he said. “I don’t want space. I don’t want to slow down because I’m afraid. I want to be honest. Completely. Even if that means admitting I’m scared.” He exhaled slowly. “And if that’s too much for you—if you don’t want to deal with a man who’s still figuring out how to do this the right way—I understand.”