Page 180 of Fame & Chaos

Aston: Hey dude. Saw all the stuff on the news. R u ok? Need someone 2 talk 2? Can come up there if u need me 2 or u can come here. Just know I’m here 4 u, bro. Whatever u need.

I exhale slowly while reading it.

Guess everyone knows now.

And honestly? That fucking sucks.

More than anything, I hate knowing Indi’s going to be dealing with this scrutiny from everyone around her. Her work colleagues, neighbors, friends, and random fucking strangers online. I’ve dragged her into this mess, and it kills me knowing she’s probably suffering because of me right now.

I just hope no one’s making things too hard for her.

Quickly typing out a reply, I try sounding far more stable than I actually feel.

Me: Thanks, mate, but honestly, I think I just need some sleep and time to figure out how the hell to fix this. Appreciate you checking in, though. And I know Annie probably made you message me, so tell her I’m okay and I’ll still be right for the band. Rehearsals are tomorrow, and I’ll be there early. Don’t stress about me. Just need to clear my head, and I’ll be fine. Promise.

The lie tastes bitter the second I hit send.

It’s good knowing they care. Really good. But their sympathy somehow makes everything feel worse because deep down, I know this is all my fault. I lost Indi because of my stupidity. And somehow, even though technically I didn’t cheat on her, it still feels like I did. I betrayed her trust. There’s no getting around that. Sleeping with Sasha was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done, even if I was drunk and didn’t realize it was happening.

The old version of me crawled back out that night.

The bitter version.

The angry version who spent years feeling rejected and fucked over by Indi. The version of me that treats women like they’re disposable because somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that if I hurt them first, they couldn’t hurt me back.

I literally hate that guy.

And the worst part? Indi only pushed me away all those years ago because she thought I’d slept with Maddie.

This whole situation is so unbelievably fucked.

I’m fucked up.

Indi’s fucked up.

Together, we somehow become even more fucked up.

Maybe she really is better off without me?

Maybe she’d be happier without constantly worrying I’m going to look at another woman or screw someone else the second things get difficult between us?

I know I wouldn’t.

Not if we were truly together.

Not if she trusted me enough to stay.

But I hate knowing she’s always anxious about it. That isn’t healthy for either of us. So maybe this is the right thing. The thought barely forms before I scoff at myself.

Who am I kidding?

I already survived years without Indi, and it nearly destroyed me. I don’t want another six minutes without her, let alone six years… or forever.

Dragging my forearm across my eyes, I exhale heavily while trying to relax the tension locked into every muscle in my body. It doesn’t work. Nothing fucking works.

I need to burn this energy off somehow. Normally, this would be the point where I’d call one of the Sultry Seven for a distraction, but I’ve definitely learned my lesson there.

If I want Indi back, abstinence is the only option.