Page 173 of Lessons in Cruelty

She holds on so tight that when the river pushes us, we swish straight through the current, toward the bank. When Haven’s hand is ripped from the root, I’m close enough to the tree to grab the trunk with one arm, and Haven with the other.

We kick and claw and scramble our way out of the water, the tree shielding our bodies against the worst of it.

Haven coughs and splutters as much as I do as we fight to breathe and puke out water at the same time.

Then we’re both quiet, panting.

“Screw being brave,” Haven murmurs, her arms thrown dramatically over her head. “I’ll stick with being a coward.”

“Good.” I’m on my stomach, my skinny chest pushing me up and down as I try to catch my breath. “’Cos I’m tired of saving you all the time.”

“I don’t want to die, Kai,” she whispers.

I roll my head to look at her. “Then don’t, stupid.”

She props herself up on one elbow, blinking at me through her tears. There’s a nasty scrape on her chest, and it’s only now oozing blood. That stroke of red seems to make her blue eyes pop.

“But sometimes I don’t want to live either.” A tear races down her face, merging with the water droplets covering her skin.

“Jeez, Heavenly, I told you before, just keep at it. One day at a time. That’s what Mom always says. One day at a time.” My arm shakes as I reach out to wipe at the blood beneath her collarbone. “But keep jumping into rivers like that, you won’t have to put up with it much longer.”

She giggles, and it’s like my heart only just started beating for the first time.

“Haven?”

“Yeah?”

“Where’s your bra?”

She stares down at herself, frowning hard. “What you on about?”

A beam of sunlight hits my eyes when I sit up, so I squint at her. “Shouldn’t you be wearing a bra?”

“I’m nine, Kai!” She scrambles into a sit, then crosses her arms over her chest. “I don’t need one yet.”

“Dunno. Pretty sure you⁠—“

She slaps me so hard I see stars. And then all I see is her stomping along the riverbank, her wet hair clinging to her neck and shoulders, one hand fisted at her side, the other wrapped over her chest.

I still have her blood on my finger, and I use it like paint to draw a matching scar on my chest.

Then I wipe it away with a quick rub of my palm so she won’t see it.

Chapter 43

Haven

Kai might as well be choking me again. With his heavy body crushing mine, I can barely get air into my lungs. But I still keep trying to draw in shallow breath after shallow breath.

Not for long.

I’m losing my grip, and I can’t think of a single fucking reason not to let go.

I’ve wanted to many, many times before.

I wouldn’t be alive if Kai hadn’t found me. Befriended me.

And now he’s trying to destroy me.