Page 94 of Drive Me Crazy

I sit in a roomfull of people, all here to celebrate me, and yet I'm alone. He isn't here with me, for me. I never knew my heart could break more than it already has.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame him. As a matter of fact, over the last few weeks as I prepared for the arrival of this baby, I've struggled to feel any connection with it at all.

I couldn't imagine a man that doesn't understand things like a motherly love are supposed to come naturally. I hate myself for not feeling anything for the child I'm carrying.

I can't bring myself to face anyone with the horrible truth of how this baby came to be. An end result of my abusive husband raping me, beating me within an inch of my life.

Yet, after losing one by his decision and miscarrying at his hands, there was no way I couldn’t carry it to full term. When they asked if I wanted to know the gender, I shook my head.

I've seen what this is supposed to be like, a father and mother, happily receiving gifts from their loved ones. Getting the support, they need at a time, they may need it most.

I want, are his arms around me, reassuring me no matter what the future brings, we will face it hand in hand. Together. The emptiness I've felt since he left makes it hard to face another sunrise.

"How are you doing?" Mackenzie joins me as I sit alone, in a corner, away from the fanfare.

"Good." I run my finger under my eye, banishing the stray tear. "Thank you for coming."

Maisyn kisses my cheek before sitting across from me. 'Did you get everything you need?"

"Does it matter?" I quip.

Mackenzie takes my hand, squeezing it. "Yes, it does."

"I think, maybe yes. I-I still need to pick out a crib." I swallow, hoping to push down my need to sob.

"Actually," Landon nudges me on the shoulder. "follow me."

I shake my head. "No, I'm comfortable."

"It looks like it! Sitting here in your own miserable pile of moping and hating the world. Get your ass up!" Mackenzie jerks my hand, pulling me from the muck and mire.

"Fine!" I stomp all the way through the house, following them upstairs. "Where are we going and why are y'all running?"

Scout leans over the railing. "Shut up! Lordy mercy if you ain't full of piss and vinegar lately."

"If you don't like it, there's the door. Oh, wait. Not my fucking house." I grumble, climbing the last few steps.

Landon stands before me, his arms open, and wraps me up. "I'm so sorry, baby sister. I know your life has never been what you wanted it to be, and some of that is on me. I should've stood up for you two when we were in high school, I should've told our parents Ridge is and will always be a good man. The man you want and deserve."

"I just want him here." My knees buckle when, my heart crashes to the floor and incinerates at my feet. "I need him so much."

"Oh, beautiful girl. You have to tell him, but first, you have to forgive yourself." Landon rocks me back and forth, calming me.

"I know, I'm working on it." I snub.

Mackenzie kneels beside us. "Come see what happens when you allow yourself to receive the love you deserve."

Landon and Mackenzie help me to my feet, he holds me up as we wander into the bedroom next to the master. In it, sits a breathtaking crib. Hand carved and crafted beautifully, it's one of a kind.

"How did you get this ordered and in so fast?" I ask as I run my hand over the curves, and nuances etched into the wood.

When Landon doesn't answer, I turn to find him crying. "He did it."

"No." I cover my mouth on a gasp. "How?"

He shrugs with a smile. "Weeks ago. Something about the night he found you here."

"Oh, God. He heard me?" I latch onto the crib, wrapping my arm around my unborn child. "He's known all of this time and never left. Why? What is he thinking?"