Page 34 of Rumor Has It

“Promise me you’re not going to allow him to believe this shit, to think there’s no way,” she snaps, jerking me around by my shirt. “What are you thinking? He’ll be devasted, and God forbid it be his child!”

“There’s no possible way it can be his.”

“How’s that?” Her eyes widen. “You don’t want to find out, do you?”

“If I do and it’s Reed’s, I don’t know what I’ll do.” I drop into the chair behind me, placing my hand on my belly. “If this baby is Boone’s, he’ll want to come back home. He’ll give up everything he’s planned since we were twelve, Maisyn. I can’t allow that to happen. Boone deserves to have the life we’ve planned and that he’s worked so hard for; not one he may regret when he looks into the face of a child who’s not his biologically.”

“With all of this going on, your first thought is about Boone and his future,” she scoffs. “What about your plans? College? Taking over the garage for your grandpa and dad? I’ll not even go into the utter devastation Boone will face!”

I clench my jaw. “I’d rather break his heart than to destroy his future. He has to go to California and do everything he wants to do. Do you not understand? He’ll give it all up for me! Boone will want to stay and take responsibility for me, the baby, our livelihoods. Then one day, we’ll turn around, and he’ll want the life he's supposed to have instead of the one he settled for.”

“Mackenzie, he has the right to choose. So what if he gives everything up for you and the baby? If he wants to stay whether the baby’s his or not, you can’t stop him.” She runs her hands through her hair, our frustration growing with each other.

I stare at my hands, the same ones that have betrayed me by holding someone else in them. My heart knowing better, never stopped me. It gave in, just as I did on the only true and right thing in my life.

“I’m not saying this is the best decision, or even the right one. I’m not even sure I can do it, Maisyn. I love him. There will never be another person for me. He owns me, and I hate myself for not having the courage or belief in myself to tell him so much sooner. I’m a fool, an utter idiot for thinking any of this will work out. But I’ll never be able to look at him, knowing I ruined it all for the both of us.”

“This is completely absurd, you’re really not going to tell him?” She crosses her arms, her eyes no more than slits. There’s no use. I’m going to do what I think is best, and she needs to know it.

“It doesn’t matter.” I glare. “Have you forgotten where we live? The gossip in this town will narrow it down and have the ‘baby daddy’ notified before I can even find out myself!”

“Or worse, the one who’s not the father.” She shakes her head. “Well, what’s the plan then?”

“I’m gonna move to Fayetteville, no more commuting.” I half shrug, filled with doubt. “I’ll be lucky to finish the spring semester, but I’ll miss the fall. I have to find a job and child care. Maybe there’s one on campus.”

“You’re leaving your dad and grandpa?” Her mouth falls. “This will kill them; you know that, don’t you?”

“I can’t stay here.” My tears begin to fall faster. “He’ll come find me, and I can’t face him. Not yet, not when my own heart is decimated.”

She scrutinizes me. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“Dear God!” I fist my hair. “I obliviously have no clue what I’m doing! All I can think about is this baby and Boone, that’s it! I’ve made a huge fucking mess, I know it, but all I can do right now, in this minute, is do my damn well best to protect them.”

“I just don’t think this is the best for either of them.” Her shoulders rise and fall as fast as my tears.

“I get that, I do. None of what I’ve said makes sense.” I slump, the weight of my actions too heavy to shoulder. “My heart tells me to let Boone know, that this baby is the one I’ve always wanted with him. I don’t see how that’s possible, but if it’s his, I’ll ruin him and his future. If it’s not his, and it’s… I can’t. I just can’t live with seeing Boone’s face when I tell him.”

“But making the decision for him isn’t right either, Mackenzie.” She purses her lips. “He should decide for himself.”

“You’re right.” I close my eyes. My patience and her sensible words are waning on me. “You and I both know, whether this child is his or not, he’ll move heaven and earth to be here and take care of us. I can’t allow that to happen, especially if he isn’t the father. I can’t be responsible for destroying his future. I’m not good enough for him, and this proves it.”

“I still think it’s a big mistake. He has every right to know, and for you think you’re not good enough for him to give up that life, for one with you, is messed up. The only person who decides if you’re enough for him is Boone.”

“Funny, you’re not arguing that for the other one.”

“Because we both know he won’t care!” She jabs her finger at me. “Boone is a completely different story, and you know that!”

“I do know that.” I bury my face in my hands again. “That’s why I can’t let it happen. I can’t allow Boone to raise a child that isn't his and ruin his life.”

Maisyn kneels in front of me, taking my hands in hers. “Alright, the baby comes first. The rest, we’ll figure out as it comes.”

“I need hope… I’ll never be able to make it if I have to face the truth. Not right now, maybe never.” I’m shaken to my core knowing I’ll never see Boone again. But there’s no other way.

She throws her arms around, holding me tight. “Let’s find you a place to live near college, and with an extra bedroom for me.”

“Okay.” I nod. “Thank you.”

I force a smile, trying to reassure Maisyn I’m going to be fine, but I’ll never be the same again. Losing Boone, twice, will be the end of me. I’ll never love another person the way I love him.

He’s always been my person, and I was his. Even before I believed in him, or knew how to tell him I loved him for how he made me feel about myself. Boone’s always had faith in me, telling me I’m the strongest person he knows. But in this moment, I don’t feel it.

I feel disgusting, like I’m the lowest form of scum on the face of the earth. It doesn’t matter how I handle this. He’s going to get hurt, and there’s no one to blame but myself.

The sooner I face this situation and try to clean up all of the messes I’ve made, the better off my child will be. Boone will get over me, in time. He’ll move on and find someone who deserves him.

I want to curl up and die. My heart hurts so badly thinking about not seeing him again, never kissing his lips, not growing old with him, or holding him as we fall asleep every night.

My only shred of hope is I can love him until the day I die.