Page 63 of Luci’s Lullaby

I get her diaper on and dress her. I try to wrap her in a blanket, but it’s just a tangled mess. “Well, at least you have clean clothes on.”

I lean in to kiss her and smell something sour. “What in the hell is that?” She snubs. “I know, trust me.”

I lay her back down and lift her chubby jaws. A ring of pasty goo is pasted against her neck. “Oh, hell no.” Picking her up, I run and get a washcloth and clean her up.

“At least I now know where all that milk goes now.” She begins to cry again, so we go get a bottle and not the kind I need right now.

She eats a little and burps some, then we start over again. But this time, I put her on my shoulder. It’s not her mouth that makes the noise. The smell creeps around and up my nose. I hold her out.

“Dude, what the fuck is that?” Luci’s face contorts, and she screams bloody murder. “Shit!” Literally.

I place her on the couch and grab her diapers and wipes. I unwrap her and find green slime all the way up her back. “Houston we have a problem.”

By the time I get her clothes off, it’s everywhere. In her hair, on my shirt, and covers the couch. “Is this what they meant by a shit show?”

I take her and hose her off again and start all over. At this rate, we could be doing this all day. “Auntie Reese said you need lotion after a bath, and I forgot it before; do you think we should try it now?”

She coos, and I take it as a yes. “What would Mademoiselle prefer? The pink that smells as fresh as a baby’s bum or the purple, giving you a lavender scent for your special parts?”

She squirms, making her sucking sounds. “Right, little miss prefers the hard stuff.” I put the purple on because it says it helps with sleeping. “I wonder if it works for adults?”

Now, pay attention here. I make a very big mistake, one that we all can learn from. The sticky tape things, don’t work if you get lotion on them. “No! You are not doing this to me!”

The more I try, the bigger the pile gets on the floor. “Everyone just calm down, we’ve got this.” I take off through the house looking for something to hold this thing together.

I toss my desk, finding paper clips. “No. Think!” I tap my temples when my eyes land on my sheet music. “For the love of Ninja Turtles, please work.” I snatch a handful and take off.

Holding her diaper together, I attach a binder clip and then do the other side. I pick her up and it doesn’t fall off. “I think we need to tuck your nightgown in the front, the metal might be cold.”

I stare at her before rolling my eyes. “I can’t leave this on you.”

After a little more thought, I do the only thing I know to do. Once I’m done, I look her over. “Don’t get use to this, it’s only until that lotion wears off. I refuse to bathe you again.” I tighten the sleeves of my Carolina Hoodie around her. “Besides, it’s the Tarheels, you can take a dump on them anytime you want.”

We make it through the day, but we’re both barely hanging on. This time of the night, my mind wanders. I miss Cid. He would know what to do if he was here. I hold Luci to my chest until we both cry ourselves to sleep.

“It’s so warm,” I mumble, still not awake. “I need to move, it’s hot and sticky in here.” I take a deep breath, rubbing Luci’s back as I do. I feel sweat run down and around my neck.

“You’ve got to be kidding me?” I sit up, holding her to me. My hand is warm and sticky. “The dreaded green slime has us, Luci.”

I tiptoe to the bathroom, turning on the shower. Stepping in, I start to strip us. “Geez, do you ever start smelling better?” I drop our things in the corner of the tub.

“How in the hell did it run up?” I have the slime up around my neck. Luci is covered. My sweatshirt? If it wasn’t trash before, it is now.

Luci wakes as I step under the warm water. I hold her close to me and wash us off. She actually doesn’t cry this time. I clean us up and get her all ready for bed again.

After another bottle of course.

“Hey, baby girl. Don’t fret that old shirt, we’re WVU fans in this house.” I rub her hair as she nods. “As a matter of fact, you’ll be needing a cheerleading outfit.”

I pause, thinking about what I just said. “You know what, my girl can be anything she wants. Maybe we should get you a jersey and a football. You might just be the first female quarterback in the NFL.”

I kiss her head as the heaviness in my chest grows. “Your daddy was a quarterback. He was really great, but he didn’t get to play. He chose to take care of me instead.

“Luci-Lu, I want you to know, I’m gonna fuc—mess up. A lot. But I promise you, I’ll only do what I think is right for you. I can’t give you much, but I can make sure that whatever I do, I do it for you.”

She sighs, closing her eyes and giving in to sleep. I’m not sure if I’m doing something right or if she just gives up, but for tonight, we won this round. About damn time we win one.

I shuffle my feet as I take her to bed. I make a little fuss, so I take her to bed with me. I really don’t sleep because I’m afraid of forgetting about her but my body rests. “I’m not sure how new moms do this,” I whisper in the dark.