Page 122 of Luci’s Lullaby

“I did it out of love and compassion for you. You’re my brother too, or did you forget who’s always had your back?” Reese seethes.

“Who forgot me because Charlee was around? When was the last time you came to my house? You came for Luci, not me. So go fool yourself into thinking you love me some more.” Her face contorts and she springs up from the table, running from the room. Walker’s face reddens. I hate myself for that, but I’m in protect this house mode.

“You know what, after the nights she's cried over you, time away from her children, the times she’s put you first—this is how you repay her? Good damn job. She’s always been on your side and said you were a better man than this. Congratu-fuckin-lations on throwing away another person who loves you.” He stands, flipping his chair backward.

I hang my head, hating that I’ve hurt Reese too. My heart slows to a crawl, I suppose that’s about right. I’m a dirty son of a bitch.

“Listen to me, when I was lost and had no one else, who was in my corner? When people were telling me to give up on Sarah, on Silas, who had my back? Who kicked my ass when I wanted to give up?” Chord stands, walking closer to me.

“I was,” I mutter.

“I know you’ve lost people, I have lost people too. It gives you no right to die too.” His words make me sit up; is that what I’m trying to do?

I shake my head. “I’m not trying to kill myself.”

“Tell that to people who love you.” He glares at me. “Some of us would give anything to have the life you’re so willing to throw away. You don’t want it? Give it to me. Luci needs a dad, and I lost a son. You don’t want Charlee? Believe me when I tell you, someone will. She’s a damn fine woman.”

“Shut the fuck up talking about them like that, about Silas like that.” I fist my hands.

“Sarah’s the one who told me to tell you we’ll take her. We don’t get to hold our son, I don’t get to rock him to sleep,” he spits at me.

“What am I supposed to do? I’m no good for them!” I stand, screaming as my chest aches.

“You don’t get to choose for them! They decide if you’re good enough, not you.” He throws a bottle against the wall. “Fuck you, Alden. I’d give my life to bring Silas back. It doesn’t work like that!”

“I KNOW!” I fist my hair. “I’d bring Cid back in a heartbeat if I could.”

He shakes his head. “I’m glad he’s not here.”

“What?” Rage fills me, and my pulse races through my veins.

“He wouldn’t want to see you like this, wasting your life and throwing away the best damn things you’ve ever had love you. He’d be so disappointed.” Chord hits the final nail in my coffin.

“Fuck you! You have no idea what my brother thinks of me!”

“You’re right, I don’t. But I can see what you think about yourself, and that’s enough for me.” He stalks toward the door.

“I’ll never be enough for her, don’t you understand?” I spit at him.

He throws a card down on the table. “We’re staying there tonight, plane leaves first thing in the morning. If you come to your senses, come find us.”

I stand in the center of this room, stripped bare, and I know in my heart—he’s right. They’re all right. I’ve spent the last several weeks thinking about nothing but Charlee and Luci.

I’ve thought about how many ways I went wrong and what to do to fix them. Here they are telling me I don’t care enough to keep trying. I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough.

I walk over to the mini fridge and grab a bottle of Jack. I take a glass and sit at the same table my friends just sat at. I stare at each of the seats that were full of the people I love. Now, they’re empty and it all comes down to me.

“Fine!” I fill the glass to the rim, setting the bottle down. I stare at the damn glass for hours, never touching it. I begin to spin it, thinking of how my life has spun out of control.

“Cid, what should I do?” I beg for any answers I can get because I ain’t got a damn one. I’m sitting here without a family, a friend, love and my career is tanking because I can’t admit—I hate it.

I face off with the glass of Jack the entire night; he’s the only friend I have right now, and he lies to me. “But isn’t that what you want, lied to about how great this is and once you make it big, you’ll fix everything?”

I lay awake until dawn reliving every moment over the last six months, and not one time can I remember my family not being there for me. “I’m selfish and an idiot.”

I stand, crossing the room, and pick up the card Chord left. I yank it off the table and rip it up. The second it falls to the ground, I know I’ve made another mistake. I’m too damn stubborn and hardheaded to realize they came here to help me.

“What if she won’t talk to you? What are you gonna do then?” I walk back over and fall onto the bed. I watch as the hours tick by, knowing what I should be doing.