Page 120 of Luci’s Lullaby

Here I sit, a room full of people, yet no one sees me. There was only one person who ever saw me, and now she refuses to look at me. I take a drink from the fifth of Jack sitting between my legs, allowing it to wash away the bad taste in my mouth.

“And you thought I couldn’t forget you, didn’t you?” I grumble.

I watch as the room acts as a conveyer belt of women. Each of them looking for love, what makes them think they’re going to find it here? They move from man to man; makes no sense to me.

I turn the bottle up, chugging it. I have to, if I don’t I’ll remember I was no better than a single person in this room. I detest the man I was, moving from woman to woman.

A new woman every night in my bed, the same bed I brought Charlee to. The one I made love to her in and never told her how I felt about her. How I feel about her.

“I’m a fuck up, you all know it.” I finish off the bottle and toss it on the table.

“What’s that, man?” Mark lifts his head.

“Nothing, let’s play.” I try to stand and fall back to the couch. That’s it, just lay here. Give up. It’s what you deserve.

Mark holds his hand out for me to take, but I slap it away. “Come on, Alden. It’s time.”

“I don’t want to.” I push off the couch and find my bearings.

I stagger over to the liquor, grabbing another bottle of Jack. I twist the top and take a swig. I can still see them, I need more. I tip it up and drown myself as it runs down my shirt and jeans.

John takes the bottle out of my hand. “Alden, this is bullshit. Go the fuck home and clean your shit up.”

I grab him by the throat, backing him against the wall. “What fucking home? I lost mine and everyone in it.”

“Alden, you’ve gotta chill. Come on. Calm down.” Mark tries to pry my hand off of John.

I take a step back, yanking the bottle from his hand. I spin and kick the hell out of the table, sending bottles and cans flying in every direction. I whirl around and throw the bottle full force against the opposite wall.

People scatter, taking cover as they watch me self-destruct. “What the fuck is it? I thought this was what everyone wanted, right? Fame, fortune, and love.”

“Hey, buddy.” David takes a wary step toward me. “It’s time, you’re getting worse.”

“What? You don’t like this version? It’s all new and what you all wanted, right?”

“Just call her, pick up the phone and call.” David holds his phone out to me. Every fiber in my being wants to do it, but there’s no reason to; she gave up.

“He’ll do no such thing.” Sam enters the room, shutting everything down. “Go, leave us. Tell someone Alden needs more Jack and to clean up the mess in here.”

“Fuck you,” I spit at her. “Wait, I don’t mean that. I would never and will never touch you. You do what you need to me, but you’ll never have more of me than you do right now.”

“Look around, I do have you. She’s not here and she never will be—I own you.” Sam crosses her arms, smiling.

“You better get this right—there’s only one woman who owns me, and you’ll never compare to her. Ever.” I storm past her, making my way to the stage.

I slur my way through the first half of the show until I can burn off the alcohol. The second is better, but to be honest, it’s all a mess. I walk off the stage, going straight to my room.

The guys beat on my door for hours, but I refuse to answer as I sit in the bathtub, breaking all over again. Without drinking, it’s easier to remember. I prefer to drink and forget.

Days turn into weeks, blurring together to the point I can’t tell you what time it is, let alone a day of the week. I sleep all day, drink all night, and repeat.

The pounding I keep hearing this morning is bouncing around in my head and driving me crazy. There’s enough shit in here without something else trying to take up space.

I soon realize it’s the door, so I roll over and cover my head up. “It’s still day, go away!”

“Open the door, Alden,” Aksel yells from the other side.

I grit my teeth. “NO! Go away!”