Page 69 of Ardently Yours

“You’re right. I do know you, or at least I thought I did, because the Lizzie I know doesn’t back away from a challenge. She doesn’t back away from what she wants.”

Dumbfounded, I tilt my head to the side, and it’s my turn to study him. My mouth hangs slightly open. I really am trying to get a handle on this because Will Darcy is giving me a run for my money. He is not letting me back out of this as easily as I’d like.

I thought we’d fall back into our usual banter, but now this feels more like an argument. Inside, I start to feel anxious because this feels real. It feels like I can’t hide behind a joke anymore. I can’t hide behind saying this is a fake relationship because...what if it’s not so fake anymore?

“You’re right. I don’t back away from things that I want. I don’t back away from a challenge. I think that right now you’re going through a lot, so I don’t want you to jump into something when you’re not ready.”

It’s his turn to take a step back.

“Now you're putting this on me? Saying that I’m not ready for a relationship with you? What about last night?”

“We were up late after going to see your dad in the hospital. I know this has been a lot, and we’re in this relationship thing, and sometimes lines get blurred. Maybe we should have been more specific in the contract. But don’t expect me to just be okay with falling madly in love when...”

I trail off because I’m stumbling over my words and my thoughts. Inside, I’m screaming that I should just tell the truth because that’s exactly what my friends would tell me to do. Nic would tell me to take my own advice, and Jane would totally agree.

But I don’t want to take my own advice because right now my advice is telling me to do two completely opposite things. One side of me is saying to dive in and tell Will the truth. The other side of me is saying to run as fast as I can because I’m not ready.

The truth is, I don’t know which side to listen to. I don’t know whether I should pray, cry, scream or run. I don’t know what I should do next.

But I do know that my heart is beating fast, and I’m scared. I back away again, swallowing hard as I look at Will. There’s a part of me that wants to just give in and not make an argument out of this because I don’t want to lose him.

He’s still my friend. He still works with me. We still have a plan. There was a whole point to all of this.

But now the point is starting to seem meaningless. It was such a stupid idea to get into a fake relationship with somebody who means so much to me. I should have thought this through.

“I think that you felt something, and now you’re trying to pretend that you didn’t.” Will says it in a calm voice. Quieter. Not argumentative. More resigned.

I’m still looking at him, and I can see it. He wants to reach out to me. I can tell by his body language.

His hand lifts toward me and then falls back to his side again when I don’t react. It hurts me to do it, but I feel stuck. Like I’m not processing. Like my mind has gone blank and my emotions are on standby.

“I think that... I think that I’m not ready to love you, Will Darcy.”

The words slip out of my mouth before I can stop them. Because those are my fears speaking.

But they’re also the only thing I can think to say to stop him from taking another step forward. From reaching out to me again. It’s in this moment that I realize that the contract that we created was never going to work.

“I wish that I could say the same, but it’s too late for me,” he says, turning away. He braces his hands against the sink.

His voice sounds so far away, even though he’s standing so close to me.

“What do you mean it’s too late for you?” I ask, my voice shaking a little as some of that fear creeps into it. He told me already when we were in the kitchen late last night and early this morning. But I want to hear him say it again.

“Because I already love you, Lizzie. I meant what I said before. I wasn’t pretending.”

Those words sting, even though they should feel like a warm hug. Because I pushed him away first. And he still opened up to me.

I’m usually the one who knows what to say. The one who laughs the loudest. The one who smiles the biggest. But right now, I feel so small.

I feel like I’ve said the wrong thing. Like I’m doing the wrong thing. But I also know that if I open up again and let myself fall for Will Darcy, I don’t know what will happen.

I don’t want to lose him as a business partner before that’s even begun. And I don’t want to lose him as a friend. But as I watch him in the aftermath of this truth, I fear that I’ve already lost him.

“You’re not supposed to love me,” I say, almost choking on my own words. “You can’t say that you love me because this was not supposed to be real. This was supposed to be a fake relationship, and we both agreed to the terms.”

“I guess I’m breaking the contract,” he says, still not looking at me. “Remember when you said that you wanted a new contract? What happened to that?”

His hands are still on the sink, and his head is down. He’s staring into the sink. Or maybe staring past it.