Page 35 of Every Eligible Man

"Perhaps it leans left in certain lighting."

"It's pointing at the sunrise. The sun rises in the east. That's not left. That's never been left. That's never going to be left." I wave dismissively. "Next."

HOUR THREE: THE DESPERATE

I'm starting to lose faith in the male species as a whole.

Candidate #34: A blacksmith from the outer villages

Boot: doesn’t fit. Glove: does not fit, hands too callused, can't get past the second knuckle.

"But my lady, I have substantial girth."

I sigh internally. Externally, I keep my face perfectly neutral. "Show me."

He drops his trousers.

I tilt my head. Squint. Tilt my head the other way.

Adequate. It's... adequate. Like a perfectly serviceable potato. Not bad. Not memorable. The kind of cock you'd forget five minutes after encountering it.

The men I'm hunting made me question whether I could physically accommodate them. This man would slide right in. No resistance. No stretch. No moment of "oh gods this might actually break me."

"That's adequate girth," I say. "But it's not substantial. Next."

His face crumples. "No one's ever called me adequate before."

"First time for everything. Next."

Candidate #41: A merchant's son with entirely too much confidence

Boot: too small.

"But I haven't even tried the glove."

"If your feet are that small, I don't have high hopes for what's in your trousers."

"My lady! That's not how anatomy works!"

I raise an eyebrow. "Drop them, then. Prove me wrong."

He does.

I am not wrong.

"Next."

Behind me, Mira takes a drink directly from the bottle. I pretend not to notice.

Candidate #58: A traveling performer who has heard about the search from three kingdoms over

Boot: fits. Glove: fits. Gerald: seems mildly interested, sniffing his hand before losing attention.

My pulse picks up. This could be, maybe… "Trousers. Now."

He drops them with a flourish. Because of course he does. Performer.

I examine the offering with the critical eye of a woman who has spent days dreaming about three very specific cocks and is now confronted with an imposter.