Page 56 of Fake it for Keeps

Until Hallie.

The way Hallie had looked at me tonight like she actually gave a damn if I was okay had terrified me.

Because that was how Lauren used to look at me. With that same softness. That same worry when I was stressed or upset or struggling.

And I couldn’t do it again. Couldn’t let myself care about someone knowing that at any moment, they could be ripped away. I could not live through that hell all over again.

It had nearly killed me the first time. It would definitely destroy me if it happened again.

It was better she think I was heartless than know that my heart had been buried with a girl years ago and I was too scared to try to get it back.

I stared at the water.

“I’m sorry, Lauren,” I whispered to the wind. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

The ocean roared back, offering no absolution.

It only offered the harsh reminder that some losses you never really recovered from.

You just learned to live with the gaping wound they left behind.