Page 54 of Do It With Me

I gave a short laugh, but it came out hollow. “Yeah. It’s like waiting for something you already know is coming, but for your own sanity’s sake, you’re pretending that maybe it won’t. It’s exhausting.”

He leaned forward slightly, his elbows resting on the table. “If there’s anything I can do to help, please tell me. Even if it’s just sending you Chinese food some nights when you’re too tired to cook.”

He wasn’t just offering to be polite. The intensity in his gaze told me it was very real. He didn’t want to intrude or jump in, making me feel like I just hadn’t been doing enough. I’d bet that he had to fight against the instinct to take over and try to fix everything. He seemed like the type, but the truth was that there was no fixing this and we both knew it.

“I might actually accept the takeout. Especially if you throw in dumplings.”

His mouth curved. “Dumplings are a given.”

“Outside of that?” I said, shaking my head. “I’m just trying to keep her safe and comfortable. She gets confused a lot now. I can mostly handle that. It’s the small stuff that gets me.”

“Like what?”

“Like the way she asks me the same question a dozen times in a row. Or how she forgets she already told me something and then gets embarrassed when I remind her. Or how she’ll be fine one minute and then completely lost the next. It’s like I’m losing a little bit more of her every week.”

Holden was silent for a beat. “That’s brutal. I don’t know how you do it.”

“I don’t either,” I admitted with a weak laugh. “Sometimes, I just fake it. I make a lot of lists, drink too much coffee, and try to remember that she’s still my mom. Even if she doesn’t always remember me.”

He reached across the table again, his fingers brushing the back of my hand before settling there. “You’re doing something extraordinary. Taking care of someone like that? Most people couldn’t handle it.”

My throat went tight. “You say that like I have a choice.”

He gave me a faint smile. “Doing the right thing doesn’t always feel like a choice, but it still matters. It still says everything about who you are that you’re actually doing it.”

I looked away because that was too much. Too kind. Too close to home. “You know, you really suck at keeping things casual.”

He grinned. “Is that a bad thing?”

“It is when I’m trying not to cry into my coffee.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I think your mom is lucky to have you. You might not think you have a choice, but you do. We always have choices and you chose to take care of her yourself. I’m not sure she’s always aware of that, but I am sure she’s very grateful when she is.”

Tears sprung to my eyes, but I blinked them away and swallowed the lump in my throat. “I’ll let you know if I ever need that Chinese food.”

“Promise?”

“Only if you promise not to send soup with the weird mushrooms.”

“Deal.” He let out a quiet laugh. “I’m sending egg rolls whether you ask for them or not, though.”

The heaviness in my chest eased for a few minutes as I looked back at him, suddenly genuinely thankful to have him in my life right now. Contrary to what I’d thought before, maybe this was the exact right time to have met him.

I still didn’t know if I could enter into an actual relationship at this point or if I’d have to keep trying to keep him at arm’s length, but he wasn’t a bad friend. With or without benefits.

“Thank you for hearing me out,” I murmured, glancing at my watch and sighing when I saw how late it’d gotten. “Why is it that we always end up talking about me and my problems when we’re together? I really have to get going and we haven’t talked about you at all.”

He chuckled. “Maybe that’s because I’m not going through nearly as much as you are right now. For the moment, my life is rather settled. Some might even call it boring.”

“Boring sounds pretty damn good to me right now.”

“Don’t worry, it’ll pick up again on my side soon and you’ll get to listen or give advice to me. Swings and merry-go-rounds being what they are.”

I smiled, but I doubted this guy would ever have my level of drama in his life. Either way, we talked while we finished our coffee, and by the time we left the cafe, the night had turned ice cold. The air smelled faintly of rain and a chill ran through me, but with Holden by my side, I didn’t feel like racing to my car like I normally might’ve.

He walked beside me to the student parking lot, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders relaxed but his eyes still full of quiet concern. We didn’t talk much, but we didn’t need to. I’d already said everything I’d needed to say and it seemed he felt the same.

When we reached my car, he turned toward me, and before I could even start saying goodbye, he wrapped his arms around me. It wasn’t one of those light, polite hugs. It was solid, warm and steady, like he knew exactly how much weight I was carrying and was offering to hold some of it for a while.

I exhaled against his chest, my forehead brushing his shirt. “You’re not worried about this here, given that you’re a teacher and I’m a student?”

He chuckled. “No one will hassle us. I’m Holden Langton.”

“So modest.” I snorted softly, half amused and half melting. “But in that case, I’m going to need you to hold me a little longer. It feels too good.”

His arms tightened around me. “Then I’ll hold you as long as you want.”

I leaned into him and let him do it, allowing myself to soak up his comfort while the campus and the city kept moving around us. Cars passed and voices drifted by, but it all felt far away. When I finally pulled back, his hands lingered at my waist, making me suspect that he was as reluctant to let go as I was to have him do it, but I really did need to get home.

I smiled up at him. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being exactly who you are tonight.”