Page 88 of You Know You Wanna

“Not with me,” I said immediately, shaking my head as I showed him my palms. “I have no idea what she did or to who, but she’s not here with me. I didn’t even know she was coming.”

“Even so,” he said, still regarding me as intently as before. “What are your intentions with Birdie? If you have other women crossing oceans to see you, you’re not the kind of man she deserves to have in her life. Well, to be honest, I’m still not convinced you’re the kind of man she deserves to have in her life either way, but let’s start with the other woman.”

I groaned, scrubbing a palm over my cheek, and I pulled a face at him. “Can I at least have coffee first? I’m not too keen on having this conversation at all, but especially not without even trace amounts of caffeine in my system.”

“I can make coffee happen,” he said. “You and I are talking about this. Now. She’s like a daughter to me and I won’t have you coming in here and breaking her heart.”

Motioning for me to follow him, he led me to the lounge where I’d waited for the police the other day. There was some cheap coffee in the corner that he kept for people passing through the foyer and he gave me some. Then he sat me down, and for whatever reason, I proceeded to tell him everything.

“That fancy lady is my ex-wife. She didn’t bother telling me she was coming even though I was on the phone to her when Laurene ran away, and what she overheard was the reason she ran off in the first place.”

“Yeah, I remember that part, but what’s she doing here now?”

I shook my head. “No idea. She claims to have come to see the place since we’ve been here for so long, but I suspect there’s more to it. When we were speaking that day, she said she wanted Laurene in London earlier and I think she knew I wasn’t going to agree, and I think that’s why she’s here. She’s come to take her back with her when she goes.”

Alan heaved out a heavy sigh, his already wrinkly face crinkling in sympathy. “I’m sorry, son. That’s got to be tough.”

“Yeah, it is, but I can’t even blame her for not realizing exactly how tough it’s going to be for Laurene. How can I when I didn’t know it myself until so recently either?”

“Kids can be tricky,” he reasoned. “They often think they know it all, but they don’t. They can’t and they shouldn’t. You could visit her often though, right?”

I shrugged. “I guess, but only if I can get away from work often, which hasn’t happened so far. Why didn’t I think about it before? Why is all of this only occurring to me now, when she’s leaving unless I can convince her mother to let her stay? Why did I sign the fucking paperwork without realizing what a terrible father it makes me?”

“Whoa.” Alan had been standing against the side table with the coffee on it, but he shuffled closer now, sitting down and staring at me with questions in his eyes. “I’ve only known you a short amount of time, but you don’t seem like a terrible father to me. A busy one, sure, but most seem to be.”

“Not as busy as I am,” I promised wryly. “The worst part of it is that we hammered it all out. It took us months to settle the custody issue, and yet, we did it all without involving Laurene once. Did you know I only found out the day she ran that she wants to attend the youth program at Juilliard? I should’ve known that before, right? I should’ve known about her dreams and I should’ve known that agreeing to send her to London would shatter them.”

He lifted both eyebrows, staring at me for a beat before he nodded. “Yeah, you should’ve known.”

“Exactly. Thank you. Finally, someone is just being honest with me. I haven’t been involved in my daughter’s life because I’ve been putting money ahead of her interests, all the while telling myself I was doing it for her, but that’s bullshit.”

“Well, I mean, it’s not total bullshit. Kids can’t live on sunshine and rainbows, son.”

I snorted. “Sure, but they also don’t need state-of-the-art everything while they’re being raised by nannies instead of their parents.”

He rocked his head from side to side, drawing in a deep breath before he shrugged. “You already know I never fathered any children myself, but I’ve had a hand in raising a bunch of ‘em. Kids from the area who practically grow up at the resort. Like Cassidy. Or kids who come to me young and stick around for a few years.”

“Like Birdie?”

“Exactly,” he said. “The point is that it takes a village. Everyone knows that. If nannies are part of your village so that you can put food on the table, that’s okay.”

“Does the food have to be caviar, though?” I asked humorlessly. “Be honest with me again, Alan. It doesn’t have to be caviar. I could’ve slowed down years ago and still made more than enough to get by. To get by well, actually. I didn’t have to keep gunning for it like I was trying to become the richest man in the world.”

He chuckled. “No, you didn’t have to do that, but these are the things we learn as we get older. There’s no use in dragging your own ass over the coals about what you did in the past. The more important part is, knowing what you do now, what are you going to do about it?”

I dragged my free hand through my hair, taking a big gulp of the coffee before I shook my head. “All I know is that I don’t want to go back to my old life.”

“What does that mean?” he asked. “Does it mean you want to leave Manhattan? Move to England to be closer to your daughter? Does it mean you simply want to work less or to make a point of visiting her more often than you might’ve before? It doesn’t help to be vague, son. Not wanting to go back to your old life doesn’t mean anything if you can’t put specifics to it.”

He was pushing me to say things I needed to say out loud. Things I really had been vague about until now. “I found something real here with Birdie. I don’t just want to leave her at the end of the summer like she never meant anything to me.”

“Oh, good,” he said. “We’re finally at the part I care about.”

I rolled my eyes at him, but I kept talking because I wanted to. Getting it all out felt good, and it was helping me get that damn game plan together. Finally snatching all the balls that had been up in the air, I laid it out for him.

“I want to wake up to her every morning and go to sleep with her every night. I want to be home for dinner at five and sit down with her and Laurene. I want to hear about their days and I never want to miss another dance recital. I want to help with homework and be part of a family.”

Alan chuckled as he nodded at me. “Let me offer you some fatherly advice, then.”