Page 42 of Unfettered

“It’s good to officially meet you, Roman,” Connor says. “I’ve been looking forward to it since hearing about you.”

I squirm under his attention. “I…I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t apologize. I understand; it’s scary, isn’t it? The thought of diving into things that may hurt, but I promise, you’re not in this alone. I’m here, Lio is here, Javi is here. None of us will let you falter.”

Biting my lip, I look down at my lap, unsure what to think or say.

“Today we’re going to take the time to get to know you. I can’t help if I don’t understand what’s going on in your head. I know you don’t know me, and you’re scared. I don’t expect this to be easy, or to happen right away. I’m here to be another safe space for you, okay? We’re not going to jump into anything too scary right away.”

I let out a short, bitter laugh and look back up at him. “Do you know what happened with the first therapist they threw at me?”

Connor grimaces. “I heard about it, yes. I’m sorry you went through that. Stanley was a disgrace, and I’m honestly surprised he passed the rigorous background checks your people have.”

Lio lets out a growl. “He was a fucking traitor who had powerful people protecting him. It’s no one’s fault but his, and the fucking Senator. I hope he’s rotting in Hell where he belongs.”

Lio leaves out that it was probably Leandro’s fault as well, but then we’re all blissfully ignorant of the fact my best friend likes sowing chaos.

“Trauma like that can leave a lasting effect. Even though you only met with him once, I understand it warped your perspective of therapy—more than it already was—so I don’t blame you for being hesitant.”

“He threw my insecurities in my face,” I spit. “He tried to convince me that I’m not really in love with Tennant, Jude, Hollis, Ignacio, or Lio. He tried to say the way I look,” I gesture to my skirt and flash my dark red nails at him, “is wrong. He…he told me I failed my father…” I can’t stop the tears as a knot forms in my throat, and I whimper.

Lio lets go of my hand to wrap his arm around me, and I soak up his touch.

“He broke me,” I manage to finally say. “I was already broken, and he shattered whatever pieces of myself I was finding again. If it wasn’t for Lio, I’m not sure what would have happened. I am weak. Too weak to be a co-leader of the Council. I try…fucking hell, do I try so hard, but I know I’m not good enough.”

Doubling over, I barely register Lio’s soft whispers of reassurance as he holds me tightly. I look up at Connor with tears falling down my face. His dark green gaze burns into mine, and instead of judgment or censure, I see nothing but care and understanding.

“I’ve tried my whole life to be what my father wanted, but I can’t… I’m just me. And who I am isn’t good enough.”

“That’s not true at all, Rome!” Lio says fiercely. “I love you just as you are. So does everyone else—even fucking Cristian.”

My insides warm a little at the conviction in my friend’s voice, but I don’t look away from Connor’s gaze. Not when he leans forward, eyes intense, but his open expression doesn’t change.

“I’m inclined to side with Lio,” he says softly. “I can tell you’re someone who does things his own way. Your manner of dress is a hint of that. You’re unique in personality, and that’s not a bad thing. If we were all the same, it’d be rather boring to live in the world, don’t you think?”

I shrug as best I can in my hunched over position. “Maybe…but I don’t know, maybe Stanley had a point?”

“No, he didn’t!” both Connor and Lio tell me.

I huff a strained laugh and straighten up. Lio drops his arm and I reach for his hand again, threading our fingers together. “He said I have daddy issues, and maybe I do. Cristian…my father…fuck I don’t even know what to call him anymore? I’ve been angry and hurt for so long that I’ve been calling him Cristian. But…seeing him in the hospital bed, fighting for his life, knowing he was out there because he was following my rule? It's hard to fit that man with the one who told me that the only other parent I'd ever known wasn't my real dad.” I close my eyes and suck in a breath, fighting back more tears as the confusion and hurt crash over me all over again.

“I know how I was born. My father needed an heir to get his uncle off his back, and so he hired a surrogate. He gave her the option to be in my life, because he never thought he'd marry—back then, the thought of a gay Boss was inconceivable. She chose to take the money and skip out of the country, never to be seen again. She hasn't even seen her own family since the day she left. I know because her mother, my nan, has always been part of my life. We don't see each other often. Hell, I haven't spoken to her in months, because I don't want the Senator to find that connection. She's safe on the other side of the country.

“But my father was the only one I had growing up…him and Tennant. Then Carter. But from day one, it was me and Cristian, and I've tried so hard to be someone worthy, to deserve the place he carved out for me.”

Connor grabs a box of tissues off the side table beside his chair and extends them to me. I have to release Lio to grab and pull one out, but I appreciate the gesture.

“Let me ask you this,” Connor says gently. “Has Cristian ever made you feel as if you've had to live up to some expectation, or is that something you put on yourself because you find yourself lacking?”

Connor is so calm, so matter-of-fact, that even though his question is hard, I don't balk against it too much.

Taking a long breath, I don't look at him or Lio as I answer, too ashamed of my response. “I did it to myself. He…he's only ever encouraged me. He was there for me when I was ten and told him I hated pants. He fought the school board at the private school I went to, stood firm in front of all the judgment from the other parents and the administration when he demanded I be allowed to wear the skirts with my uniform.

“He took it in stride when I told him I wanted to paint my nails. Though, I told Carter first, because I trusted him. Not more than Dad, but… I wasn't sure what he'd think about there being another unique thing about me. I…I just wanted to be someone he could be proud of. I looked at him and Tennant and I saw two men who went through hell and back to save our Family. They killed my great-uncle, though I'm not sure either of them will ever admit outright that it wasn't an ‘accident’ that took his life.

“They built the Family up with their bare and bloodied hands, so Dad could be openly gay. He married Carter without giving it a second thought, because he curated our lives to be about more than our sexualities.

“He gave me so much. It may never have been traditional, but I didn't need it because I had him.” My breath comes out in pants, and it's only Lio’s hand in mine that helps soothe me.