Page 30 of Never Gonna Happen

‘Have you changed your mind? Should I take the next exit and go back?’

‘No, of course not, you idiot. But I think you need to pretend to be my boyfriend.’

‘Wow,’ said Jamie with a short laugh. ‘I feel like this is all moving too fast.’

‘Ha ha,’ said Emily sarcastically, overtaking a coach that was crawling down the inside lane. ‘I just think you being a friend feels more weird.’

‘More weird than you arriving home for Christmas with a boyfriend they didn’t know about.’

‘Even more weird than that, yes. Anyway, we’ve only been dating a week.’

‘OK, I’ll be your pretend boyfriend. Have we slept together yet or is it still early days? Just in case your dad asks.’

‘You’re SO funny. It’s early days and I’m not that kind of girl,’ said Emily, blotting out memories of teenage blow jobs on the ancient stone bench in Chichester market cross. ‘You’ll be on the air bed in the lounge anyway.’

‘Oh well, in that case I’m not coming.’

‘Also you mustn’t tell them you’re a Hunter. They think you work in the stables.’

‘I do work in the stables. That’s my actual job.’

‘I know, but if they find out who you really are, Mum will lose her shit.’

‘Fine by me. I’ll be Just Jamie. Like Prince, or Madonna.’

‘Thank you,’ Emily laughed. ‘This is the maddest thing I’ve ever done.’

‘I know, but I promise to be the best houseguest ever.’

‘We’ll stop at the next services. I need a coffee and you need to raid M&S for foodie gifts.’

‘You’re the boss.’

Emily smiled and pressed the button on the steering wheel to end the call, then took a few deep breaths to ready herself for the call with her mum. She was banking on Carol’s inability to resist a stray with a sob story, and the fact that Jamie’s unexpected arrival would be offset by the breaking news that Emily had a handsome new boyfriend.

‘Hey, Mum,’ she said.

‘Moomin? Are you OK?’ said Carol, her voice panicked. ‘Have you broken down?’

‘No, I’m fine, Mum. I’m on the A11.’

‘Is it busy? Are you stuck in traffic?’

Emily rolled her eyes. ‘No, everything’s moving nicely. The satnav says I’ll be home by five.’

‘God, don’t tell your dad you’re using that, he’ll think you’re on your way to Aberdeen. Your brother’s due around five too. I’m all on edge, I can’t relax until you’re all here. I haven’t even had a drink yet.’

Emily glanced at the clock on the dashboard; it was barely 2 p.m. She took a deep breath and plunged in. ‘Listen, Mum. You remember the guy you met last weekend? Jamie, who works in the stables?’

‘How could I forget?’ asked Carol. ‘Very handsome, lovely eyes.’

‘That’s the one. Look, I can’t give you the whole story, but he and I are kind of seeing each other, and he doesn’t have anywhere to go for Christmas so he’s coming home with me.’

There was an extended silence. ‘What, today?’ squealed Carol. ‘You’re bringing Jamie home with you today?’

‘Yes,’ said Emily, crossing her fingers on the steering wheel. ‘He’s in the car behind me right now. He’s got to be back by Boxing Day.’

‘Bloody hell, Moo,’ said Carol. ‘It’s a bit short notice. I’m not sure I’ve got enough Kievs.’