Page 75 of The Wedding Pact

‘The needy, insecure bits that make me believe I’m not worthy of love.’

‘Why would you feel like that?’

‘Because I grew up in a very empty house. I know I’ve been flippant about it, but I found it hard to be alone while I was growing up. I’d often get home after school in my teens and be on my own till ten o’clock at night. And my parents would travel for work and leave me by myself in the house for days and days at a time. It was a pretty lonely existence and the house was big and creaky and I often imagined I could hear strange noises, which freaked me out, so I spent a lot of time downstairs in one room. It was all a bit isolating. I got my friends to come over as much as I could, but their families actually wanted them around so they couldn’t usually sleep over much.’

‘That sounds pretty shit for you.’

‘It wasn’t great. But I coped.’ I stare up at the sky, enjoying the soothing waves of heat on my skin.

‘I took my revenge on my parents being absent by making everyone else in the world my family. I decided there wasn’t much point in holding a grudge about something they’re clearly incapable of giving me. It wasn’t my fault and maybe it wasn’t theirs either. They were both born to be incredibly focussed on their areas of specialism and being the best in their fields, which meant other things had to give. They chose to feed their inner critics and innate competitiveness by pointing all their energy towards their own lives and careers instead of me and mine. I think it’s called affluent neglect.’

I lift one shoulder in an offhand shrug. ‘But I’m different from them. I need people to give me my energy. So that’s the way I’ve chosen to live. If they want to see me now they have to fit into my schedule. Which I think is fair.’

‘It is.’

‘That’s not to say I haven’t spent a lot of time talking this through with a counsellor to come to this conclusion. I know I’ll never be able to change their behaviour towards me. It’s not something I can control, so I’m focussing instead on what I can control. And that’s how I choose to live my life. Much healthier in the long run for me to look forwards rather than back. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes I slip and feel sorry for myself – who doesn’t? I just have to remind myself of my goals and when I’m feeling mentally stronger, get back on the road I’ve chosen.’

‘That must be really tough. Not feeling like your parents have your back.’

‘It’s not great. But I have a lot of good friends who look out for me. And it’s made me really independent. I’m very good at looking after myself now. It reassuring to know I’ll never need a partner. I can run my entire life myself. There’s real power in that. If I’m with someone long term it’ll be because I choose to be.’

There’s a taut pause where we both look anywhere but at each other and I quickly blink away the tears threatening to form in my eyes.

‘I must seem like a total tosser, talking about my parents the way I do when yours are so absent,’ Raffa says quietly.

I flip him a grin. ‘Ah, don’t sweat it. Nobody’s life is perfect, right? It’s funny, isn’t it, the thing I’ve most craved in my life is the very thing that drives you mental.’

‘Yeah. Funny. Not ha-ha though.’

‘No.’

We gaze at each other for a moment, before smiling and turning away again.

‘You know it’s been really refreshing getting to know you better. You’re quite something, Ida Fury.’

‘Thanks. You’re pretty bloody cool yourself, RaffAlone.’

‘I’m not alone right now,’ he points out.

‘No, you’re not. You’re with me.’

There’s a beat of silence and I feel my heart begin to race as a strong urge to push at our new pact’s boundary takes hold of me. A hot pulse throbs in my throat and I feel suddenly light-headed with a mixture of excitement and fear.

I’m intensely aware that this could be a pivotal moment for our relationship.

Before I can think too hard about it, I take a deep breath, ready to say something crazy like, What do you think about us turning this fake relationship into something real? But just as I summon the courage to speak, I see something in Raffa’s expression close down and he says, ‘Let’s get back. There are some calls I need to do with my team soon.’

Standing up on his board, he grabs his paddle and starts to move off before I’ve had a chance to process what’s just happened.

It doesn’t take me long to catch on though.

He’s sensed I was about to take us into dangerous waters and decided the best way to avoid it was to abort and go back to his place of safety.

But he’s not just abandoning a conversation. He’s abandoning us.

13

IDA