Page 42 of Crowned In Sin

There was always a chance of such betrayal, of course. I told him that before I left. One never knows what a person will do when the truth is revealed.

My brother may think I’m a bastard. That may be true. But I can’t regret a moment I spent with Cora. I won’t regret the pleasure I gave her.

And I can’t regret how she handled the truth of me.

Princess Cora should’ve been afraid. Though she faced the death of her mother, she has been sheltered from the horrors of war. I expected her to cover her eyes when she saw me, or perhaps even scream.

She kissed me instead. A gentleness filled with a devotion I’ve never known. And yet, even after she saw me, there was so much more that she needed to know.

How is a man supposed to turn his back on her? How is a man supposed to wait at his brother’s beck and call and be introduced to the woman he loves in the garden, as if he is some dirty secret?

With a mix of emotions blinding me, I stride through the palace at a fast pace, blinded by emotion, not caring who sees me now.

The truth burns in me that I was a dirty secret. It was my own wish to be so. I didn’t wish for people to look upon my face, and I didn’t even want my brother to hear my voice. Jasper was perhaps the person I wanted to see and hear me least of all, because he has the clearest memories of the person I used to be.

Now I’m as angry with him as I am with myself. I didn’t believe anyone could look upon me without pity. I didn’t believe any princess would ever kiss me.

Princess Cora did more than kiss me. She begged me not to leave her.

Perhaps that is why I am angry with myself. Perhaps I should have stayed with her until the sun came up, then insisted on going down together.

No—that would have ruined her before all the court. I cannot consider her ruined for the pleasure we took in each other, but the kingdom might not be so open-minded.

I take the winding staircase and head down a long hallway, my footsteps loud on the floor for the first time since I arrived here. It’s been many days of moving silently in the shadows, and it feels good to be heard, even if no one dares to confront me. Servants scurry out of my way and duck into rooms ahead of me. I ignore all of them.

Finally, I find what I was looking for—a door leading to a balcony. I go through it and feel the fresh air, put my hands on the stone railing, and breathe.

There were many different paths I could have taken, but I chose this one. This is not the time for regrets or second-guesses.

I only wish I had thought to warn Princess Cora, but how would I have done that? A note under her pillow? The decision was made so quickly that I barely had time to think of it myself, much less sneak into her rooms and leave a note she would no doubt not understand.

Well, it is done.

She knows more of the truth now. Perhaps not all of it, but more.

Part of me hopes the princess will find me here. We’ve spent enough time together that perhaps she will know where to look for me. I tip my face up to the sun and let the breeze cool me. Until today, I would have done this only at night, when I could be certain no one else was about. The warmth of the sun is almost as pleasing as Cora’s warmth.

This moment nearly reminds me of the heat of battle. There had been such energy before we took the field. We had no way of knowing what was to come, and we knew there was a chance it could be deadly. The dread and anxiety, the need to fight or lose everything, was upon us. Mercilessly. Relentlessly. And then the rush of the loss, the agony of torture. Jasper and I always knew there was a chance we might leave our lives on those battlefields.

In a way, that is what happened. I left my life behind forever. I would never again match my brother. I would never again speak with my own voice. I would always have to watch my brother move forward in life with everything I had and lost.

But this was my breaking point. I didn’t know I’d reached it until it was too late. She wanted me and we both soothed each other in ways I’ve needed for so long. To feel worthy of affection and compassion. I have not felt such things in years.

I simply couldn’t do what he wanted. I couldn’t stand by and let him bring me to Cora as if I was a monster who had to be kept from her until he had won her heart.

Did not I win her heart as well? Did not she beg me to stay with her? How else would I have done so? I cannot think of another way.

The balcony I have found overlooks the gardens where I was supposed to meet my brother.

Where I was supposed to be introduced to Princess Cora.

I let out another laugh. The rough sound of the monster I’ve become. A servant far off in the garden pauses to look up at the balcony, but I do not flinch away. I cannot tell if they look upon me or not.

What would Jasper have done? Would he have taken Princess Cora’s hand and whispered words of reassurance into her ear?

Would he have told her it was all right to be afraid? Or would it have been worse? Would he have felt the need to coax her toward me as if I was dangerous?

I couldn’t let him do that to me. For he doesn’t mind my presence in the shadows. My mind plays tricks on me, remembering how my brother’s been there for me when I was not even there for myself and my thoughts betrayed me, but he kept me alive.